The Upside of Broken

   Sometimes an event so profound happens that it tears you from your reality, taking with it every flimsy branch you were incapable of dancing upon safely, even though you kept trying... and when a life event breaks you in this way it will deliver you, if willing, to the bedrock foundation of substance. It will break away all the pieces of the house that were falling apart... seeming hopeless, cold, vulnerable to all the elements until you realize the only thing you ever really had was this foundation you hadn't used to build anything strong or stable upon in the first place. Initially feeling the "loss" of all these people, places and situations that filled your time and life only to sit in the emptiness long enough to discover all of it for what it was or is, fleeting, feel good distractions, good time friends and nothing more than a touchstone to move from.
     After a little more time passes one can clearly see who is in your corner, thick and thin, you can see who is invested in you and your life, heart and soul. The noisy intruders are easy to spot with their flash and fun but no real hand, ear or shoulder to hold, listen or lay your head on.. giving you the strength to look to those who are there. It changes you drastically and you start looking for the strong materials you need to build a life that will support you, not blow away when the storms come. Digging and reaching harder into oneself to reflect back this support, love and safety that is everything in a fleeting world.
     These days I find myself in a two bedroom, rental house with broken almost everything hahaha often occupied by 5 of us, 2 kitties, 1 car, not enough money to pay the bills, little free time, exhaustion as a new way of being, one car and SO MUCH LOVE, prayers for opportunity to answer our knocks and gratitude for all i have lived through to bring me to this moment in time. A new found respect for the true friends and family we have, deep appreciation for the strong branches remaining and the chance for new beginnings. LOVE is never lost only covered at times in the distortion of fear, the great reducer. For today.. I'm going to go sweep and mop the floors even though in less than a week they will look as though a mop has never crossed them...  and hopefully..  among the art supplies and musical equipment in that second bedroom make room for different dreams.. the kind fulfilled by a bunk bed.

The Blind See

  

....... even if it's painful!!

     i walked a path leading me unconsciously to kneel down and fall.. burning in the fire.  something in me desperately searching for that which i could not find... i found it in what was my mind and heart breaking... searing pain!!  i felt like i was dying, i was, i still am... i was graced with the fact that at some point the flames will die down and only hot coals will remain.  i find most of the way the world (humans) "works" or operates as offensive.  i do not understand, yet completely empathize with most of it if i am willing to "see".  because we believe that our thoughts are who we are and that belief dictates the reality we see.  yet, it seems so simple... we all die, so why do we cling to anything, yet i clung hard for every last moment of "happiness" and "love" i could get like a junky needs a fix.
     today the reality i live in looks nothing like it did 2 years ago.. not even 5 months ago, from behind my eyes.  the external world hasn't changed much in this time, it's the reality that has been revealed in not following the fear generated by my mind.  i still get pissed that others get to live in a reality masked by seemingly innocent intentions when the reality is they too are in desperate search of someone, or something to fill the internal void.  (because most humans aren't making choices because they view them as harmful, the opposite, humans in large believe their intentions are sound) these days i write about it, talk about it... then simply look for the willingness to let it go.
     you see no-one or anything outside of me can give me the lasting LOVE i seek... it's an inside job as some say.  if you are willing to look, to really see.. you will know that you too are in constant search of this peace that comes with TRUE LOVE and in being open to believe...  by simply identifying everything that defines you as the "me", then cling on to it with desperation, insecurity and need with a death grip as it falls through your hands like sand... fall to your knees in pain and maybe then we can all find the intense suffering of the ego dying is exactly what will set us free.  

                                           The Blind See

It is said that love is blind.  But is it?  Actually nothing on earth is as clear sighted as love.  The thing that is blind is not love but attachment.  An attachment is a state of clinging that comes from the false belief that something or someone is necessary for your happiness.  Do you have any attachments--people or things that you falsely believe you could not be happy without?  Make a list of them right now before we go on to study how exactly they blind you.
     Think of a politician who has convinced himself he will not be happy unless he gets political power.  His quest for power coarsens his sensitivity to the rest of life.  He barely has time for his family and friends.  Suddenly all human beings are perceived and reacted to in terms of the support or the threat that they are to his ambition.  And those who can neither threaten nor support he does not even notice.  If in addition to his craving for power he has an attachment to other things like sex or money, the poor man has become so selective in his perceptions that he could almost be said to be blind.  Everyone sees this except the man himself.  This is the condition that leads to the rejection of the Messiah, the rejection of truth and beauty and goodness, because one has come to be blind to perceive them.
     Now think of yourself listening to an orchestra in which the sound of the drum is so loud that nothing else can be heard.  To enjoy the symphony you must be responsive to every instrument in the orchestra.  To be in the state called love you must be sensitive to the uniqueness and beauty of every single thing and person around you.  You can hardly be said to love what you do not even notice; and if you notice only a few beings to the exclusion of others, that is not love at all, for love excludes no one at all; it embraces the whole of life; it listens to the symphony as a whole, not to just one or the other of the musical instruments.
     Stop for a while now to see how your attachments drain life's symphony no less than the politician's attachment to power and the businessman's attachment to money have hardened them to the melody of life.  Or look at the matter in another way: There is an enormous amount of information that is continuously flowing in from the world through the senses, the tissues of the organs in your body.  Only a small part of this information reaches your conscious mind.  It is like the infinite amount of feedback that is sent to the President of a nation: Only a tiny fraction finally makes its way to him.  Somebody does the screening and the processing at the President's office.  Who decides what will finally make its way to your conscious mind from all the material that is pouring in from the world?  Three decisive filters: first your attachments, second your beliefs and third your fears.
     Your attachments: you will inevitably look for what fosters or threatens them and turn a blind eye to the rest.  You won't be interested in the rest anymore than the avaricious businessman is interested in anything that does not involve the making of money.  Your beliefs: Just take a look at a fanatic who only notices what confirms his/ her belief and blocks out whatever threatens it and you will understand what your beliefs are doing to you.  And then your fears: If you knew you were to be executed in a week's time it would wonderfully concentrate your mind to the exclusion of everything else.  That is what fears do; they irresistibly rivet your attention on some things to the exclusion of others.  You falsely think that your fears protect you, your beliefs have made you what you are and your attachments make your life exciting and secure.  You fail to see that they are really a screen between you and life's symphony.
     It is quite impossible, of course, to be fully conscious of every note in life's symphony.  But if your spirit becomes unclogged and your senses open you will begin to perceive things as they really are and to interact with reality and you will be entranced by the harmonies of the universe.  Then you will understand what God is, for you will at last know what love is.
     Look at it this way: You see persons and things not as they are but as you are.  If you wish to see them as they are you must attend to your attachments and the fears that your attachments generate.  Because when you look at life it is these attachments and fears that will decide what you will notice and what you will block out.  Whatever you notice then commands your attention.  And since your looking has been selective you have an illusory version of the things and people around you.  The more you live with this distorted version the more you become convinced that it is the only true picture of the world because your attachments and fears continue to process incoming data in a way that will reinforce your picture.  This is what gives origin to your beliefs: fixed, unchanging ways of looking at a reality which is not fixed and unchanging at all but in movement and change.  So it is no longer the real world that you interact with and love but a world created by your head.  It is only when you drop your beliefs, your fears and attachments that breed them that you will be freed from the insensitivity that made you so deaf and blind to yourself and to the world. ~ The Way To Love
     
    
     

Heaven At Hand

   

    sometimes we create lives for ourselves that are smaller than we can actually exist in without suffocating.  we do it out of a desperation.. attempt to shrink our awareness so that we may sustain an idea of happiness.  an underlying, unconscious belief that we can't actually make everything happen we want to, that our dreams won't come true... so we give up a huge part of ourselves, cut out parts of our hearts and souls to try and shrink back into a tiny space.  a safe familiar place, that we have outgrown but with no new road to walk yet.  there are all different kinds of distractions and attachments that can sustain us even though we are starving inside.  starving for a richness in life that maybe we feel unworthy of having, incapable of creating, or that we just don't deserve it... "born to lose" (someone i hold most dear will say at times).  the inner struggle of wanting happiness & and freedom yet having all these contradictory beliefs about why we can't have it.  mostly relying on our ego mind and our programming, looking at the past to dictate or determine why the longing in our hearts should be ignored, denied, resisted... and we find all the ways we can to distract ourselves from this longing.
     it is hard to let go of the way we view the world... until it becomes painful enough and there is no choice but to surrender and let go.  the moment when we can see we are holding on to the illusion of fulfillment and happiness... all the emotions that come with it keep us in a tortuous cycle... to follow the truth of the heart might mean our friends and family, our "inner circle" are not going to support us, the fears of losing some sense of security and safety even though it isn't satisfying us deeply nor in moments of solitude.  to venture out to the skinny branches alone learning to listen and follow the truth of our own heart.
     most people don't grow or change much in their lifetime but rather make a series of choices to keep themselves feeling safe, constantly reworking details to affirm their comfort.  the very moment the light burns you, most run away.  i'm quite convinced the exact things that brought me the most pain... is where i found the willingness to interpret as "time to fucking grow again"... and resulted in just that...  a transmutation of thought, being and energy.  i'm often distracted by how truly unambitious i am, yet continue to be willing to look eagerly at everything, my existence seems full and yet lonely.  not the kind of lonely without having your very own person or being a part of another person, but the lonely that is you are upon the planet alone.. essentially?   we come in without knowing and we leave essentially the same way.  maybe a part of us cries.   what if every moment is consolidated into one singular moment of awareness and all emotions as we know them go into a worm hole... we only have an unpredictable amount of time here, to be, do, love, fight... whatever we choose, something goes on from us when we die other than a physical energetic responses firing?  our essence is more than just neurons firing?  or is it not..
     imagine the most amount of love you can experience and shine that glorious searing light using it  to curve your own edges, gracing it with shadows saving you from disintegrating in an explosion... spontaneous combustion?  of your own TRUE brilliance.. then shut it off completely with no sight or sound or light, no taste no smell, no touch... imagine if we lived and died not having that awake spirit.  losing a companion to that light, that death reawakens you if you allow it... opens the heart making a gash... a deep cut and you must hold space for this great LOVE... we are all stardust.. we come from somewhere in  the town of "Everything.. in the Middle of Nowhere"!!  i hope we discover to wander again.. within the everything in the middle of nowhere.. sometimes it's in being lost that we find ourselves <3 p="">                                                       
                                                                Heaven At Hand
  
Imagine you have a radio that no matter how you turn the knob picks up only one station.  You have no control over the volume.  At times the sound is barely audible, at others, it is so loud that it almost shatters your eardrums.  Moreover it is impossible to turn it off; at times it will be slow; it will suddenly begin to blare away when you want to rest and sleep.  Who would put up with this kind of performance in a radio?  And yet when your heart behaves in this kind of crazy fashion you not only put up with it but even call it normal and human.
     Think of the numerous times you were tossed about by your emotions, that you have suffered the pangs of anger, depression, anxiety, when in every instance it was because your heart became set on getting something that you did not have, or on holding on to something that you had, or avoiding something that you did not want.  You were in love and felt rejected or jealous; suddenly all your mind and heart became focused on this one thing, and the banquet of life turned to ashes in your mouth.  You were bent on winning an election and in the din of battle it was impossible to hear the songs of birds:  Your ambition drowned out every other sound.  You were faced with the possibility of a serious illness or the loss of a loved one and you found it impossible to concentrate on anything. 
     To put it briefly, the moment you pick up an attachment, the functioning of this lovely apparatus called the human heart is destroyed.  If you want to repair your radio, you must study radio mechanics.  If you want to reform your heart, you must give serious, prolonged thought to four liberating truths.  But first choose some attachment that troubles you, something that you are clinging to, or something that you dread, or something you are craving for, and keep this attachment in mind as you listen to these truths.
     The first truth: You must choose between your attachment and happiness.  You cannot have both.  The moment you pick up an attachment, your heart is thrown out of kilter and your ability to lead a joyful carefree serene life is destroyed.  See how true this is when applied to the attachment that you have chosen.
     The second truth: Where did your attachment come from?  You were not born with it.  It sprang from a lie that your society and your culture have told you, or a lie that you have told yourself, namely, that without this or the other, without this person or the other, you can't be happy.  Just open your eyes and see how false this is.  There are hundreds of persons who are perfectly happy without this thing or person or situation that you crave for and that you have convinced yourself you cannot live without.  So make your choice: Do you want your attachment, or your freedom and happiness?
     The third truth: If you wish to be fully alive you must develop a sense of perspective.  Life is  infinitely greater than this trifle your heart is attached to and which you have given the power to upset you.  Trifle, yes, because if you live long enough a day will easily come when it will cease to matter.  It will not even be remembered -- your own experience will confirm this.  Just as today you barely remember, are no longer the least affected by those tremendous trifles that so disturbed you in the past.
     And so the fourth truth brings you to the unavoidable conclusion that no thing or person outside of you has the power to make you happy or unhappy.  Whether you are aware of it or not it is you and only you who decides to be happy or unhappy, whether you will cling to your attachment or not in any given situation.
     As you ponder these truths you may become aware that your heart is resisting them or argues against them and refuses to look at them.  That is a sign that you have not yet suffered enough at the hand of your attachments to really want to do something about your spiritual radio.  Or your heart may place no resistance to these truths; if that is so, rejoice.  Repentance, the refashioning of the heart has begun and the kingdom of God-- the gratefully carefree life of children--has some within your grasp at last and you are about to reach out and take possession of it.

     
     

Bring In The Poor

not claiming any special rights here. . . living my life driven by a hundred forms of fear, attaching myself to the ever changing external circumstances to be the salve for my soul while all the while searching for the state of wholeness, freedom and love that is my/our birthright.  science shows us that everything is connected... an internal sense is aware of this without science proving it.. but most of the time the chatter of our minds keeps us from hearing it clearly.
     it is always easy to get caught up in someone else behavior, words, actions and feeling the emotions of negativity and judgement.  it is harder to step back and watch as an observer to see their behavior and where they are coming from as well as observe what it is in ourselves that is so disrupted by the external.  i've had some experiences lately where i was able to see someones behavior, watch it, allow it and then see that their mind had disrupted their sense of happiness and joy.. they too were lost in the distortion of fear and became "sick" from it.  once again allowing me the opportunity to observe when i myself am in a state of "sickness" and distortion.  
     today i became aware of a distortion in myself that is the presence of unworthiness.  the inability to receive love in context of a romantic relationship.  i feel worthy of love and can receive it in other relationships and friendships, gifts from the universe.. yet when a deep LOVE shared and given arose i found that fear became overwhelmingly powerful and i was unable to trust and receive the LOVE shared and given.  i faltered and shook with the underlying fear of unworthiness, that had existed within me long before this deep love came along.  LOVE is reality and anything that is not of love is the dream, it is the distortion as is anything generated by fear.  remembering that who and what we are is not merely the reality perceived by the 5 senses, rather this connected oneness to everything.
    negativity and judgement lie within ourselves and usually driven by something unhealed within ourselves, a fear that we are not connected, we are not enough or the right kind.  if it is possible for me to find compassion for my own state of being when disconnected from the truth: that i was born connected to everything, i am enough just as i am, that my differences are my beauty, i am the LOVE i seek then it is possible to find that same compassion for others who are suffering this path too.  we are worthy of LOVE and happiness, of feeling good no matter what that damaging event, circumstance or childhood experience "told" us.  may we each receive the medicine to heal these wounds, to remove the chatter of defeating thoughts or external circumstance and stand as the presence of LOVE we are in truth.  may we uncover and reclaim our birthright as stardust to shine with our feet upon the earth. 



                                                              Bring In The Poor

Think of someone you dislike--someone you generally avoid because his/ her presence generates negative feelings in you.  Imagine yourself in this person's presence right now and watch the negative emotions arise . . . you are, quite conceivably, in the presence of someone who is poor, crippled, blind or lame.
     Now understand that if you invite this person, this beggar from the streets and alleys into your home, that is, into your presence, he/she will make you a gift that none of your charming, pleasant friends can make you, rich as they are.  He or she is going to reveal yourself to you and reveal human nature to you--a revelation as precious as any found in scripture, for what will it profit you to know all the Scriptures if you do not know yourself and so live the life of a robot?  The revelation that this beggar is going to bring will widen your heart till there is room in it for every living creature.  Can there be a finer gift than that?
     Now take a look at yourself reacting negatively and ask yourself the following question: "Am I in charge of the situation or is this situation in charge of me?"  That is the first revelation.  With it comes the second: The way to be in charge of the situation is to be in charge of yourself, which you are not.  How does one achieve this mastery?  All you have to do is understand that there are people in the world who, if they were in your place, would not be negatively affected by this person.  They would be in charge of the situation, above it, not subject to it as you are.  Therefore, your negative
feelings are caused, not by this person, as you mistakenly think, but by your own programming.  Here is the third and major revelation.  See what happens when you really understand this.
     Having received these revelations about yourself, listen to this revelation concerning human nature.  This behavior, this trait in the other person that causes you to react negatively--do you realize that he or she is not responsible for it?  You can hold on to your negative feelings only when you mistakenly believe that he or she is free and aware and therefore responsible.  But who ever did evil in awareness?  The ability to do evil or to be evil is not freedom but a sickness for it implies a lack of consciousness and sensitivity.  Those who are truly free cannot sin as God cannot sin.  This poor person here in front of you is crippled, blind, lame, not stubborn and malicious as you so foolishly thought.  Understand this truth; look at it steadfastly and deeply; and you will see your negative emotions turn into gentleness and compassion.  Suddenly you have room in your heart for someone who was consigned to the streets and alleys by others and by you.
     Now you will realize that this beggar came to your home with an alms for you--the widening of your heart in compassion and the release of your spirit in freedom.  Where before you used to be controlled (these persons had the power to create negative emotions in you and you went out of your way to avoid them) now you have the gift of freedom to avoid no one, to go anywhere.  When you see this you will notice how to the feeling of compassion in your  heart has been added the feeling of gratitude to this beggar who is your benefactor.  And another new, unaccustomed feeling: You actually feel a desire to seek out the company of these growth producing crippled, blind and lame people, the way someone who has learned to swim seeks water, because each time you are with them, where before you used to feel the oppression and tyranny of negative feelings, you can now actually feel an ever-expanding compassion and the freedom of the skies.  And you can barely recognize yourself as you see yourself going out into the streets and alleys of the town, in obedience to the Master's injunction, to bring the poor, the crippled, the blind and lame. ~The Way To Love
    

Nowhere To Go

   

 the last four months have been one long, living, breathing catharsis and i'll be damned... i am experiencing results.  at first there was so much painful searing in my heart that i thought it felt like it was going to kill me.. found myself pleading to the stars above to release me from this pain!!  crying, searing pain, more of the same each day with only a few moments of peace and mostly that came when i was reading this book and a course in miracles.  then the process lead me back to being aware of my thoughts from an observer standpoint.  feeling the searing pain, listening to these thoughts that were wanting me to believe that something outside of myself was the genesis of my pain.  when we look at the way someone is treating us, we believe that their behavior and actions are why we feel good or bad, happy or sad.  that if this stranger i'm waiting on at work would be polite i wouldn't feel irritated or pissed and collectively we support that thinking.  we collectively tell our stories to one another more often than not we receive a validation that our emotional state is justified because of external circumstance.  "i'm angry at (my lover, husband, wife) because they were flirting with this other person, texting them, sharing an emotional bond that is supposed to be between us" the friend would respond with "that is so inappropriate, what kind of person does that if they are committed to you?!" and you feel justified that this feeling inside yourself that is angry, jealous, insecure, and afraid is because this person you love and trust is doing something you don't like, that has hurt you and created the internal feelings.

     when in truth the feelings inside us, are already there.  for most of us they began as young children and have been running the show ever since.  so that's what started happening is that every time my mind wanted to tell me a story as to why i was feeling the way i was, i was able to start getting real, moving deeper within myself to accept that in fact the FEELINGS had pretty much always been there..  so then what?  how do i stop listening to the thoughts in my head (the stories) and then stop believing the feelings that are telling me i am broken, i am not ok, life will never work out, i will always be forgotten, no one really cares, i've been abandoned by life and all these people, i'm afraid, i am unlovable.. ?  for me i started just trying to figure out what do i like?  what do i want to do?  what makes me happy all by myself?  what thoughts make me feel good and happy?  how do i create an internal happiness that will allow me to not be thrown off kilter by how someone does or doesn't treat me?  how do i become free?

     i slowly started changing, working my ass off with releasing, being committed to wanting a completely different relationship with myself and life...  before i knew it something within me started to transform.  situations that before would have set my thoughts off on a rampage, they stopped happening... i began to recognize the absence of things that used to go on internally.  situations where i could observe the experience, tell the other person how i was feeling or what my truth was, yet not needing them to "make me feel better" by responding a particular way, let go and move on.  in this practice of letting go of the ego mind and attachments it is discussed that we can't renounce things, shut down or shut off because that is in opposition to being free and happy and LOVE.  to truly live with an open hand and an open heart we develop a deeper more meaningful relationship with ourselves, in turn it does allow us to let people be themselves and we can be free to be ourselves.

     one of the hardest things i had to let go of is how can someone love you one day be connected and loving and then abruptly do an about face detach, act coldly with no explanation and if you ask them or mention it they make it about you.  how do you get to a place where you can really see that their behavior has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them, not take it personally and continue to be the LOVE you are in TRUTH?  what if you can view the behavior of this other person from a stand point that they too are reacting to the stories in their head and life, they too are attached to everything needing to be a certain way for them to be happy, they too are believing that it's you that causes their pain. welcome to the planet ya'll and as humans with the much fucking bigger picture in mind.. i'm not sure we have even been born yet in our evolution.

     i still have a long way to go yet i am here to shout out that it does work if you really want to be free... i cannot imagine what awaits for me as i garner more time in the experience of true LOVE and freedom!! OH and like i said at the beginning i thought the searing pain was going to kill me... it did in a way.. i had to die to how i had been living to come back into the awareness that i am (as we all are in TRUTH) LIGHT & LOVE.



                                                            Nowhere To Go

     Here is a mistake that most people make in their relationships with others.  They try to build a steady nesting place in the ever-moving stream of life.
     Think of someone whose love you desire.  Do you want to be important to this person, to be especial and make a difference in his/her life?  Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way?  If you do, open your eyes and see that you are foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your freedom for their benefit, to control your behavior, your growth and development so that it will suit their interest.  It is as if the other person said to you, "If you want to be especial to me then you must meet my conditions.  Because the moment you cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be especial."  You wanted to be especial to someone, didn't you?  So you must pay a price in lost freedom.  You must dance to the other person's tune just as you demand that other person's dance to yours if they want to be especial to you.
     Pause now and ask yourself if it is worth paying so much for so little.  Imagine you say to this person whose special love you want, "Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to follow my inclination, to behave in ways that i decide are to my liking."  The moment you say those words you will understand that ou are asking for the impossible.  To ask to be especial to someone means essentially to be bound to the task of making yourself pleasing to this person.  And therefore to lose your freedom.  Take all the time you need to realize this. 
     Maybe now you are ready to say, "I'd rather have my freedom than your love."  If you could either have company in prison or walk the earth in freedom all alone, which would you choose?  Now say to this person, "I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking."  The moment you say that you will observe one of two things:  Either your heart will resist those words and you will be exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are; so now is the time to examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy.  Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, possessiveness, jealousy will drop.  "I leave you free to be yourself: to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, behave in ways that you decide are to your liking."
     And you will notice something else: The person automatically ceases to be especial and important to you.  And he/she becomes important the way a sunset or a symphony is lovely in itself, the way a tree is especial in itself and not for the fruit or the shade it can offer you.  Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or no one like the sunrise and the tree.  Test it by saying those words again: " I leave you free to be yourself..."In saying those words you have set yourself free.  You are now ready for love.  For when you cling, what you offer the other is not love but a chain by which both you and your beloved are bound.  Love can only exist in freedom.  The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover. ~ The Way To Love

The Eye of the Needle

 

  Is it possible to look past the external world and see the light in truth we are and all others are?  is it possible in the seeming chaos of the world to stay connected to the divine light we are in truth?  to move through just what the 5 senses experience and stay awake, connected and mindful of the presence of the 6th sense in each of us?  the external world a playground offering delights and excitements that feel good.. yet hold all the trappings of discontent and lack.  creating a relationship with oneself that becomes a center that is unfaltering to our own capacity of real happiness, true joy.  the strength of the ego mind and it's will seems daunting.  the very notion that what we see or want in our lives to makes us happy: people, places, the right career, the house, the car, the status, the power, the money is logical in the outer world.. and EVERYONE else is doing it.  each person priding themselves on what they have, what they have that is different from others... these ideas are based in ego pride and are not real happiness.  for if they were REAL happiness and love why would we need any of it?
     the easiest example is romantic love.  when someone sees another person and without knowing them decides that there is something so attractive about that person they want to "be" with them and fall in love.  deciding that they must have this person and their love they become whatever is seen as necessary to obtain this desired person.  however, we only have so much energy and pretending to be something we are not fully in truth to get the attachment of our desires, in time falls away... all the other parts of oneself begin to seep through.  the ego mind and will grows angry if it doesn't get what it needs to feel happy and loved, and it begins to attack the very precious love it desired so completely.
     i see this all the time and i have done this.. i have been living in a state of being that i felt a void somewhere inside myself and not knowing it was searching for my happiness outside of myself, placing demands on others and circumstances to be a certain way so that i could stay in a state of being that i "felt" happy.  when in truth the happiness i have been searching for is i want the void in me to be healed so that i don't need anything or anyone to be a certain way for my happiness.  my example recently to a friend is this.. a flower doesn't bloom with its color and fragrance and if it isn't adored for it's beauty decide "that's it, i've had enough of giving away my beauty for free and it not being appreciated so i will no longer blossom and be a flower" nor does the sun shine down on us and if not given attention for it's beauty and blessings decide "no more!  i won't give of myself if you aren't appreciating me the way i deserve"  so why as humans do we display this behavior if we are truly being the happiness and love we are in truth?
     if we are really seeking happiness and love we must venture within, likely to painful uncharted territory to begin letting go of the idea that we are not already connected to everything and that we are whole in truth and we are light and love and if we become the sun, the flower we are in truth life becomes a symphony of being love and happiness in every moment with everyone.  easier said than done.  because there is something still so gratifying to dislike and judge others and ourselves.. what would we do without this identity... oh right! we would just be happy.
    


The Eye Of The Needle

What can one do to attain happiness?  There is nothing you or anyone else can do.  Why?  For the simple reason that you are already happy right now.  So how can you acquire what you already have?  If that is so, why do you not experience this happiness which is already yours?  because your mind is creating unhappiness all the time.  Drop this unhappiness of your mind and the happiness that has always been yours will instantly surface.  How does one drop unhappiness?  Find out what is causing it and look at the cause unflinchingly.  It will automatically drop.
     Now if you look carefully, you will see that there is one thing and only one thing that causes unhappiness.  The name of the thing is Attachment.  What is attachment?  An emotional state of clinging caused by the belief that without some particular thing or some person you cannot be happy.  An emotional state of clinging is composed of two elements, one positive and the other negative.  The positive element is the flash of pleasure and excitement, the thrill that you experience when you get what you are attached to.  The negative element is the sense of threat and tension that always accompanies the attachment.  Think of someone gobbling up food in a concentration camp; with one hand he brings the food to his mouth, with the other hand he protects it from neighbors who will grab it from him the moment he lowers his guard.  There you have the perfect image of the attached person.  So an attachment by its very nature makes you vulnerable to emotional turmoil and is always threatening to shatter your peace.  So how can you expect an attached person to enter that ocean of happiness called the kingdom of God?  As well expect a camel to pass through the eye of a needle?
     Now the tragedy of an attachment is that if its object is not attained it causes unhappiness.  But if it is attained, it does not cause happiness--it merely causes a flash of pleasure followed by weariness; and it is always accompanied, of course, by the anxiety that you may lose the object of your attachment.  You will say, "Can't i keep just one attachment?"  Of course.  You can keep as many as you want.  But for each attachment you pay a price in lost happiness.  Think of this: The nature of attachments is such, that even if you satisfy many of them in the course of a single day, the attachment that was not satisfied will prey upon your mind and make you unhappy.  There is no way to win the battle of attachments.  As well search for water without wetness as for an attachment without happiness.  No one has ever lived who has come up with a formula for keeping the objects of one's attachments without struggle, anxiety, fear and, sooner or later, defeat.
     There is only one way to win the battle of attachments: Drop them.  Contrary to popular belief, dropping attachments is easy.  All you have to do is see, but really SEE, the following truths.  FIRST TRUTH: You are holding on to a false belief, namely the belief that without this particular person or thing you will not be happy.  Take your attachments one at a time and see the falseness of this belief.  You may encounter resistance from your heart, but the moment you do see, there will be an immediate emotional result.  At that very instant the attachment loses its force.  SECOND TRUTH: If you just enjoy things, refusing to hold the false belief that you will not be happy without them, you are spared all the struggle and emotional strain of protecting them and guarding them for yourself.  Has it occurred to you that you can keep all the objects of your attachments without giving them up, without renouncing a single one of them and you can enjoy them even more on a nonattachment, a nonclinging basis, because you are peaceful now and relaxed and unthreatened in your enjoyment of them?  The THIRD TRUTH and FINAL TRUTH: If you learn to enjoy the scent of a thousand flowers you will not cling to one or suffer when you cannot get it.  If you have a thousand favorite dishes, the loss of one will go unnoticed and leave your happiness unimpaired.  But it is precisely your attachments that prevent you from developing a wider more varied taste for things and people.
     IN the light of these three truths no attachment can survive.  But the light must shine uninterruptedly if it is to be effective.  Attachments can only thrive in the darkness of illusion.  The rich man cannot enter the kingdom of joy not because he wants to be bad but because he chooses to be blind. ~ The Way To Love

He Went Away Sad 2 of 2

   
 the other side of the hurricane has passed over me now... there is a stillness and the slow rebuilding of a new life has begun.  I have no interest in living my life the way I had been for so long.  My life manifested a set of circumstances that to most people (including myself) would seemingly justify feelings of fear, anger, anxiety, jealousy, insecurity and depression.  The temptation to follow this view of reality is so ingrained the challenge has been to follow these ideas to the core and discover that the pain i have been experiencing has been within me all along, long before the external situation existed.  this feeling of not being happy has been with me as long as i can remember because i was looking for something in the world to make me feel whole or happy.  that is the part of me that needed healing, it isn't about changing the circumstances of my life but to heal that within me which has been what created my experiences of pain.
     my true love and i had broken hearts when we met, the love we shared was real, our love so deep, so bright well it was too intense and heavy for our broken hearts to handle and it burned us.  the relationship became toxic, yet something in us said hold on but we had to let go if we were to heal.   immediately the universe brought him to another woman and i had seen her coming in the last couple of months we were together and it had been the focus of my sickness... i was afraid of losing my love even more, i was attached to the idea that without him i would not be happy.  the feeling that i could be left behind so quickly, disposed of, that he was giving her all the love and attention that i had been receiving was so overwhelming that it was what brought me to my knees.  a pain so searing that all i could do was look for real freedom, nothing i had ever done to get myself out of pain would work... i had to dive head first into the waters below.  what i have found is that my mind wants to take me to a place where it is okay to look at the external details of the "stories" in my life to justify the pain and sadness i am feeling saying "see!! look this is why i am not happy!" and yet if i look at what is happening i am able to see that none of it has to do with me and my experiencing happiness. 
     me being happy has nothing to do with anything external, me feeling freedom and being the LOVE i am has nothing to do with external circumstance looking the way i want it to or need it to... my attachments only bring happiness for brief periods of time and then i need another fix of some sort to be happy again.  one little step in front of the other i find myself in a place where i am grateful for the exact way in which everything has happened and yes my mind still steps in to try and run me back into attachments and ego mind and all i can do is continue exercising a new awareness and practice that allows me to remember "I am not really attached to you at all.  I have merely cheated myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy." ~ The Way To Love
     i am beginning to experience what it is to let go of ideas and attachments and discover what it was i was looking for all along.. true inner happiness.  being open to each moment and what the symphony has to offer... enjoy being a vessel for LOVE to flow through me in each moment in my life.  when i realize i am my moon, my sun, each twinkling star, i am my own sunset and sunrise, every beautiful butterfly, every song that open my heart, every kiss, every passionate embrace, every thunderstorm, every hurricane i am able to stay open handed to life and the world and everything in it and know that my happiness is always found in me, not outside of me.  it allows me to see people as they are in each moment and not attach them who they were before to me, instead being able to see them for the light in truth they are in each new moment and enjoy it.  i have also been able to see that LOVE is shared, it never goes away, never dies it just isn't always looking back at you through the same set of smiling eyes.  open hand, open heart. 
    

He Went Away Sad 2 of 2

     And here is something else to ponder: Each time you are anxious or afraid, it is because you may lose or fail to get the object of your attachment, isn't it?  And each time you feel jealous, isn't it because someone may make off with what you are attached to?  And almost all of your anger comes from someone standing in the way of your attachment, doesn't it?  And see how paranoid you become when your attachment is threatened- you cannot think objectively; your whole vision becomes distorted, doesn't it?  And every time you feel bored, isn't it because you are not getting a sufficient supply of what you believe will make you happy, of what you are attached to?  And when you are depressed and miserable, the cause is there for all to see: Life is not giving you what you have convinced yourself you cannot be happy without.  Almost every negative emotion you experience is the direct outcome of an attachment.
     so there you are loaded down by your attachments- and striving desperately to attain happiness precisely by holding on to the load.  The notion is absurd.  The tragedy is that this is the only method that everyone has been taught for attaining happiness- a method guaranteed to produce anxiety, dissapointment and sorrow.  Hardly anyone has been told the following truth: In order to be genuinely happy there is one and only one thing that you need to do: get deprogrammed, get rid of those attachment.
     When people stumble upon this self-evident truth they become terrified at the thought of the pain involved in dropping their attachments.  But the process is not a painful one at all.  On the contrary, getting rid of attachments is a perfectly delightful task if the instrument you use to rid yourself of them is not willpower or renunciation but sight.  All you need to do is open your eyes and see that you do not really need the object of your attachment at all; that you were thinking that you could not be happy or you could not live without this particular person or thing.  Remember how heartbroken you once were, how you were certain you never would be happy again because you lost someone or something that was so precious to you?  But what happened?  Time passed and you learned to get on pretty well, did you not?  That should have alerted you to the falseness of your belief, to the trick your programmed mind was playing on you.
     An attachment isn't a fact.  It is a belief, a fantasy in your head, acquired through  programming.  If that fantasy did not exist inside your head, you would not be attached.  You would love things and persons and you would enjoy them thoroughly but, lacking the belief, you would enjoy them on a nonattachment basis.  As a matter of fact, is there any other way to really enjoy something?  Pass in review now all those attachments of yours.  And to each person or object that comes to mind say: "I am not really attached to you at all.  I am merely deluding myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy."  Just do this honestly and see the change that comes about within you: "I am not really attached to you at all.  I have merely cheated myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy." ~ The Way To Love
    

He Went Away Sad 1 of 2

     what do i want?  if you had someone 18 inches from your face asking you over and over and over "what do you want!" for an entire minute.. what would that reveal.  all kinds of answers many of which completely valid, yet after scratching the surface long enough, when it starts to get raw... you might find yourself dropping down to the basic statement of "i want to be happy"... because when we say things out loud over and over from a place of listening to our thoughts we can actually hear the truth.  we are in search of happiness, a belonging, a connectedness, an awareness of not lacking, we just want to feel LOVE as much as possible because LOVE feels safe, it feels like HOME.
     people have all kinds of dreams or callings, desires, wants... and most of the time all these things we want or are called to, these dreams.. they are simply us in search of happiness and fulfillment.  on so many levels we require that our lives look and feel a particular way in order for us to "be happy" and mostly it looks like staying really busy because to spend moments alone with no one around, no music, no phone, no internet, no television, to just be alone in the grass or dirt somewhere would allow us to hear the stirrings of our soul.. and in that moment we may question everything that we have attached to thinking it will be or sustain our happiness.  "i need people to drive a certain way, i need strangers to treat me a certain way, i need people to be more (fill in the blank) i need my family to behave, think or treat me a certain way, i need my lover, my partner to act a certain way for me to be happy, i need to make a certain amount of money to buy this kind of car, this kind of house, to pay for these things, to go on this vacation... i need politicians to be this way, my employer to value me like this.." and all of these things may be logically supported by ourselves and even our society, however if we can sit with ourselves alone, long enough might it be revealed that we want happiness and LOVE to fill us all the time... no matter what is happening around us or as we are perceiving other peoples actions. 
     when Dee died it was the moment i could hear the truth that had always been inside me.  i can be filled with deeply felt LOVE, that in one of the most heartbreaking moments externally, i was simultaneously feeling LOVE and happiness.  LOVE resides in all of us and we can tap into the awareness of truth as to what we are and not allow the external world to dictate if we are going to be happy and experience LOVE or not.  thank you jason wright for being the human to tell me "internal happiness and freedom are not dictated by external circumstance".  if i am looking out at the world of humans and realize that EVERYONE is just searching for LOVE and happiness as i am... it allows me this freedom... i don't have to get caught up in how someone is behaving or what is happening other than seeing that likely they are reacting to an unconscious fear that they aren't ok, that life isn't making them happy right then and i am able to continue to just BE LOVE.. easier said than done.  i wonder what it would be like if people could touch upon this awareness.. what would look different in our world.  would people stop allowing money, power and status to drive their decisions... maybe one day but it doesn't really matter if it changes or not because LOVE isn't in things needing to be a certain way to be LOVE, viktor frankl was a great example of that TRUTH.
     see for me i've spent over 22 years believing we are star dust... i believe we are energy and conscious energy, moving, flowing out of nothing and everything, existing simultaneously.. i believe that when we leave our physical bodies and world that consciousness continues, i don't believe in religion, i don't believe in God as a masculine figure, i don't believe that we end with this life... so i guess that's why getting caught up in so much busy-ness and distraction is silly.  life is raw, dirty, gritty, succulent, passionate, graceful, filled with laughter and knowing.. it is exactly what we are looking for.. to KNOW we are part of the symphony, we have not been forgotten, we aren't broken.  each of us a star burning brightly being the LOVE we are looking for in everything that changes, goes away or diminishes.  work in progress having a good time !!

He Went Away Sad 1 of 2

 Has it ever struck you that you have been programmed to be unhappy and so no matter what you do to become happy, you are bound to fail?  It is as if you fed mathematical equations into a computer and then failed each time you pushed it to turn out lines from Shakespeare.
     If you wish to be happy the first thing you need is not effort or even goodwill or good desires but a clear understanding of how exactly you have been programmed.  This is what happened: First your society and your culture taught you to believe that you would not be happy without certain persons and certain things.   Just take a look around you: Everywhere people have actually built their lives on the unquestioned belief that without certain things - money, power, success, approval, a good reputation, love, friendship, spirituality, God-- they cannot be happy.  What is your particular combination?
     Once you swallowed your belief you naturally developed an attachment to this person or thing you were convinced you could not be happy without.  Then came the efforts to acquire your precious thing or person, to cling to it once it was acquired, and to fight off every possibility of losing it.  This finally led you to abject emotional dependence so that the object of your attachment had the power to thrill you when you attained it, to make you anxious lest you be deprived of it and miserable when you lost it.  Stop for a moment now and contemplate in horror the endless list of attachments that you have become a prisoner to.  Think of concrete things and persons, not abstractions... Once your attachment had you in its grip you began to strive might and main, every waking minute of your life, to rearrange the world around you so that you could attain and maintain the objects of your attachment.  This is an exhausting task that leaves you little energy for the business of living and enjoying life fully.  It is also an impossible task in an ever-changing world that you simply are not able to control.  So instead of a life of serenity and fulfillment you are doomed to a life of frustration, anxiety, worry, insecurity, suspense, tension.  For a few fleeting moments the world does, indeed, yield to your efforts and rearranges itself to suit your desires.  Then you become briefly happy.  Or rather, you experience a flash of pleasure which isn't happiness at all for it is accompanied by the underlying fear that at any moment this world of things and people that you have so painfully put in place will all slip out of your control and let you down-- which it never fails to do sooner or later. ~ The Way To Love

a long pause....

this entry does not have a passage from The Way To Love... even though it is absolutely related to The Way To Love... i needed less in the way of boundaries for what i want to share.


     I remember the moment I fell in love... and then i don't remember it at all... because it happened over and over and over.  that first moment when someone felt like family and i hadn't even known them through any details of their life only through their presence, the moment they opened up and i had only hoped that they even existed,  the moment i touched them and realized i had complete freedom to be me in ways i never had before, the moment when they confessed deep secrets and all i heard was  truth.... it happened so many times in so many ways that at some point all it made me feel was fear.  the fear that i could lose, might lose and then would lose this love.  the kind of love that fills quiet moments, the kind of love that exists just lying next to someone, the kind of love that coming home from a long day to the cleaned dishes offered, the kind of love that says everything and nothing just by looking into someones eyes, the kind of love just touching someone, the kind of love i could spend alone with on an island somewhere, the kind of love i feel when i rest beneath the stars with grass beneath my body.

      the fear that these moments are so precious... the rest of life seems to diminish in its light somehow, the fear that without this love you will be nothing, you already have been and are nothing, you are all these problems, issues, flaws, you are broken somehow and feel displaced from everything you experience around you, you are an outsider to what others have pleasure in, you are forgotten already, replaceable.. all these ideas that we aren't connected to love.

     it all broke down.  it all fell apart.  moments where i became my worst nightmare.  i found myself without myself... clinging to the idea of love and fear.  i found myself behaving in ways that are NOT who i am in truth.  i woke up one day and realized i had replaced myself with the idea of being alone and unlovable WITH the very LOVE that awakened my spirit so unconditionally.  being "abandoned" became the reality.  i found myself in a place of sickness that i had only known by its feeling inside me... admitting i had felt it in me somewhere like a mustard seed, almost my entire life.  the wake up call that all the pain i felt in my heart was there for longer than i care to remember.  it was there long before i had been gifted this shared LOVE.  i guess some people don't relate to this at all.  some people might have a much easier, simpler experience.  not me.  i have been blessed so much... in knowing the road less traveled.

     can i say i'm sorry for losing myself....  so long after... realizing that in the face of true love i diminished back into all these old ideas of what i am not.. fear, pain, loss.  when the bottom dropped out i was left with this searing pain.  that pain brought me to the ground, and a new strength that others had seen but i had not known.  a pain so deeply rooted that the only way to break free was to learn how to fly.  the willingness to run and jump off the cliff was more powerful than the idea i would ever return to the lives i'd lived and who i'd ever been half heartedly prior.  instead it seems like saying THANK YOU for being the LOVE that allows me to break free.  in all that LOVE and FEAR and PAIN... LOVE loved me so much they let me go.

      LOVE touched me and then LOVE let me go... so i could discover the truth of LOVE... within me and this life... all the sunsets, flowers, trees, stars, people... all the blessed moments that make up a short time here in truth.  allowing myself to explore all the creativity that flows through this vessel that is "me".  i want to LIVE in a way that when i am leaving this world alone i can breath into the light with no fear.  I AM the LOVE i've been looking for... we all are.  Blessings to all those who help bring us here... we are all in love with the dying.   may you know you are star dust... may you know that this life is temporary and there is truth to stand for and all else to learn from. 

     

    

the extra mile 2 of 2

   the extra mile 2 of 2

  "Is there a way out?  Yes,  You are not going to be able to change your programming all that quickly, or perhaps ever.  And you don't even need to.  Try this:  Imagine you are in a situation or with a person that you find unpleasant and that you would ordinarily avoid.  Now observe how your computer instinctively becomes active, insisting that you avoid this situation or try to change it.  And if you stay on there and refuse to change the situation, observe how the computer insists that you experience irritation or anxiety or guilt or some other negative emotion.  Now keep looking at this unpleasant situation or person until you realize it isn't they that are causing the negative emotions.  They are just going their way, being themselves, doing their thing whether right or wrong, good or bad.  It is your computer that, thanks to programming, insists on your reacting with negative emotions.  You will see this better if you realize that someone with different programming when faced with the same situation or person or event would react quite calmly, even happily.  Don't stop until you have grasped this truth:  Observe all of this from the outside so to speak and see the marvelous change that comes about in you.
     Once you have understood this truth and thereby stopped your computer from generating negative emotions you may take any action you deem fit.  You may avoid the situation or the person; or you may try and change them; or you may insist on your rights or the rights of others being respected; you may even resort to the use of force.  But only after you have got rid of your emotional upsets, for then our action will spring from peace and love, not from neurotic desire to appease your computer or conform to its programming or to get rid of the negative emotions it generates.  The you will understand how profound is the wisdom of the words: "If a man wants to sue you for your shirt, let him have your coat as well.  If a man in authority makes you go one mile, go with him two."  For it will have become evident to you that real oppression comes, not from people who fight you in court or from authority that subjects you to slave labor, but from your computer whose programming destroys your peace of mind the moment outside circumstances fail to conform to its demands.  People have been known to be happy even in the oppressive atmosphere of a concentration camp!  It is from the oppression of your programming that you need to be liberated.  Only then will you experience that inner freedom from which alone all social revolution must arise for the powerful emotion, the passion that arises in your heart at the sight of social evils and impels you to action, will have its origin in reality, not in your programming or your ego."  The Way To Love

     The other night I spent time with someone I have known for a few years in these years our relationship has gone through many changes.  The dynamic between us had most recently shifted to an unknown space.  Our interactions a little awkward at first, like who is this, what is this, then remembering an old friend and finally being in each others company enjoying the energy and moment.  After several hours, they were going to go and I felt this fear... had i had enough time or connection, or it was supposed to be a different kind of connection something more like it used to be, or a scenario that would make me "happier".  I ended up listening to the fear and the result was a painful ending to the evening.
     It wasn't until the next day I was able to see that it had been just perfect and lovely the way it had been.  In truth it was just a moment with someone I love unconditionally.  I didn't need to worry about when the next time would be that I would have such shared fun with this person, or if i would see this person again any time soon or at all for that matter.  Rather, to remember the love that is in me that i get to carry into every moment of my life and journey with each interaction, each enjoyed gazing at the sky or into a loved ones eyes; take the love with me wherever i go.
     It seems when I have had days in a row where i live with an open hand and heart, inviting wonderful experiences into my life i am able discover how abundant my life is by being in the moment.  All the different people, places, new adventures and conversations, new ideas and creativity flows.  It's when we get trapped in our programming, our ego, our thoughts, the fear... that we start to create conflict within ourselves and our external world when it has nothing to do with what someone else is or isn't doing in truth.
     A small example is when a lover brings flowers to their beloved and they are both so delighted by the gesture in that moment of shared love.  Then when in a state of feeling low or a feeling of discomfort or fear the lover might think "remember when you were brought those flowers and how good you felt, how much you liked it?  Well if your lover would bring you flowers again it would make you happy." and it is believed that if something outside ourselves would just keep doing certain things we would be happy.  Then there is an expectation that if flowers aren't brought it is a display of lack of love and now someone is expected to do or be a certain way for the others happiness.
     Getting to the place of recognizing alone... has been and is painful yet everyday is different and recommitting each day to this practice has been born of the deep desire to be free of attachments.  Remembering that no matter what other people do it should not dictate my happiness and that I can redirect my attention, experiencing peace and happiness no matter what happens in the external world.  That i no longer have to let the people, events and things in life make me happy I get to be my own happiness to share, what freedom!!


    

    
    

the extra mile

    As i have written before and will continue as a reference my childhood.  Here I am this blonde headed, little, happy, curious, playful, white, girl born into "middle class", in Houston, Texas, America.  In the beginning years my parents had built a modest life, public school is where i started my "education" and played and had friends that were black and white and we didn't realize color or status, we were innocent, we were free.
     My parents wanted a better education for my brother and i and decided to place us in a private, baptist, school with very wealthy, white people.  I was put into this school in 1st grade.  Still innocent I went to my new school with the same spirit, happiness and freedom I had always known.  Almost immediately there came a day when all of this changed so drastically that I didn't want to go to school there anymore.
     It was "Go Western Day" and we could wear what we wanted to school instead of our uniforms.  My mom tried to dress me in a cute little outfit and I insisted in picking out my own "cowgirl" outfit that i was proud and comfortable to wear.  Excited about the day I went to school and withing 30 minutes of class a boy made fun of me in front of the entire class and they all started laughing.  I left the room and went to cry in the bathroom, I was crushed.  The teacher followed me to the bathroom and tried to convince me that they were not laughing at me and to come back to the class.  I knew she was lying and had to go back to class anyway. 
     Here is what is curious how is it all those kids had an idea about what little girls outfits were supposed to look like?  How is it that 5 and 6 year olds have all these "ideas" already about what things were supposed to be... their programming was already in place from their parents and community.  This is where my innocence really diminished.  I started to become vastly aware of how different I was from all the other kids I was around.  I began to see that people want you to behave a particular way so you can "fit in" and that so much of it was bullshit and steals our freedom.  The battle began to be my free spirited self and I started to wonder "where do we come from before we are born, what are we really here for given such a short period of time, and where do we go when we die." 
     Maybe in looking back to find where we lost our innocence, our true freedom, happiness and connection to each moment can we at least begin to remember and recall what THAT feeling was.. the truth of who we are before we started allowing our fears, emotions, past experiences, programming, family, society, community to run our lives and only piece meal moments of peace and excitement to us.  Maybe in looking back we can make a beginning of realizing our true nature and happiness and that it didn't depend on our external circumstance.

 the extra mile

"If you take a look at the way you have been put together and the way you function you will find that inside your head there is a whole program, a set of demands about how the world should be, how you should be and what you should want. 
     Who is responsible for the programing?  Not you.  It isn't really you who decided even such basics as your wants and desires and so-called needs; your values, your tastes, your attitudes.  It was your parents, your society, your culture, your religion, your past experiences who fed the operating instructions into your computer.  Now, however old you are or wherever you go, your computer goes along with you and is active and operating at each conscious moment of the day, imperiously insisting that it demands be met by life, by people and by you.  If the demands are met, the computer allows you to be peaceful and happy.  If they are not met, even though it be through no fault of yours, the computer generates negative emotions that cause you to suffer.
     For in stance, when other people don't live up to your computer's expectations, it torments you with frustration or anger or bitterness.  Another instance: When things are not under your control or the future is uncertain, your computer insists that you experience anxiety, tension, worry.  Then you expend a lot of energy coping with these negative emotions.  And you generally cope by expending more energy trying to rearrange the world around you so that the demands of your computer will be met.  If that happens you will be granted a measure of precarious peace; precarious because at any moment some trifle ( a delayed train, a tape recorder that doesn't work, a letter that doesn't arrive-anything) is going to be out of conformity with your computer's programming and the computer will insist that you become upset again.
     And so you live a pathetic existence, constantly at the mercy of things and people, trying to desperately to make them conform to your computer's demands, so that you can enjoy the only peace you can ever know-a temporary respite from negative emotions, courtesy of your computer and your programming." ~ The Way To Love
    

discipleship 3 of 3

   
     what if we were able to live without attachment.  what if we were able to hear our thoughts as thoughts and past experience didn't so often color our perspective of what is here and now.  what if we were able to have an experience so profound it shifts our entire reality?  what if we actually have constant opportunity and ignore the subtle nudging of our inner voice, intuition, gut instinct whatever you want to call it.. (that doesn't mater.. not the point) that is constantly our true north trying to direct us in the way of our hearts.  the point is what if we stopped being in fear and felt connected to ourselves, to life, to love, to .. dare i say it.. "God". * i use the word God for simplicity it has no association with religion to me at all.*
     it is so easy to get caught up in the five senses... it's so easy to allow ourselves to operate on an "autopilot' that is a build up of fear, thoughts, feelings created from fear, past experiences, people and familiarity.  what if we could experience life as if no experience was happening to us.. like we view a sunset, sunrise, sky, a flower, a plant, a tree, a creature, a critter, an animal in nature, we are merely experiencing it.  what if everything that happens even acts from humans was a neutral experience and that we attach all meaning to it for ourselves.  we either see hope, pain, hurt, love or we experience fear.  fear.. this grief so deep within us that the thoughts attached to it we actually believe are real.  we attach ourselves to anything or anyone that makes us feel good and usually at some point conscious or unconscious we decide we like this so much we need it to remain that exact way to find happiness in it, always.
     so there is this idea that we are searching for some wholeness, connection, peace, joy that is outside of ourselves.  when in truth we are born in a state of innocent neutrality and it becomes distorted and how do we find our way back to the present moment where we are as connected to life all by ourselves as we will ever be.  we have all been born and... we will all die and no matter the connection to any human being or possessions or success we will experience it alone.  so why not confront the fear associated with dying so we can really live.  why not confront the underlying belief we have about that part of this life?  we will die alone.. no one gets to go with us.  so what then are we?  are we our physical bodies?  are we this reality we experience with our five sense?  or are we something more... if we are something more then why place so much importance on the fear that physical distractions and attachments can create? 
      i have personally been subject to a reality in which i needed, wanted, enjoyed.. people, events, situations in my life so much so as to let them define my happiness and unhappiness.  i have allowed family, friends and strangers, events and situations, possession and "position" in life to affect my sense of well being and happiness.  i've been living in large by having my external reality dictate my happiness.  learning to go within and let go of needing anything to be any certain way for me to be happy.  seems so simple yet has been a huge start of transformation that involved lots of pain felt by confronting and tracing thoughts and fears back to the origin within myself... to see it and then let it go. 
     i love my family and my friends and i am grateful for all the love we share together it's just that today i am learning how to detach myself from needing them or our relationships to look any particular way.  i am learning how to love people, allow them their own experience, and me my own.. keep an open hand, open mind, and open heart.  to allow myself to continue to know and share in love whether they are in my life or not or whatever capacity happens naturally.  i will not allow myself to people please anymore.. you don't like what i say or do?... well that's about you and i love you, do what you need to do and know the love we share is always real. 

discipleship 3 of 3 

"So spend some time seeing each of the things you cling to for what it really is, a nightmare that causes you excitement and pleasure on the one hand but also worry, insecurity, tension, anxiety, fear, unhappiness on the other.
     Father and mother: nightmare.  Wife and children, brothers and sisters: nightmare.  All your possessions: nightmare.  Your life as it is now: nightmare.  Every single thing you can cling to and have convinced yourself you cannot be happy without: nightmare.  Then you will hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters and even your own life.  And you will so easily take leave of all your possessions, that is, you will stop clinging and thus have destroyed their capacity to hurt you.  Then at last you will experience that mysterious state that cannot be described or uttered-the state of abiding happiness and peace.  And you will understand how true it is that everyone who stops clinging to brothers and sisters, father, mother or children, land or houses... is repaid a hundred times over and gains eternal life." ~ The Way To Love

discipleship part 2 of 3

     the day we buried Dee, we went back home the home was filled with loving family.. friends.. all one in the same.  the home was full of light and warmth and LOVE.  the love found in awe of Nature... we were all in the moment of being the sunset together.  My energy was low and all i knew was i was following myself to the bedroom and just wanted to curl up and rest.  then the thought "you shouldn't go rest in the middle of this gathering, all these people, for a funeral." i was able to walk right past that bossy little thought and give myself permission to just do what i needed, to rest, deeply.      i say this because it has been one of the tiny gestures, in the last 6 weeks, of allowing myself to be ok to take care of me, one tiny gesture in learning "i'm not broken or separate from anything", i'm always connected, i no longer need to "feel" (or think rather) that i am alone.  that my actions in taking care of the LOVE in me allows me not to be married to me needing to be a certain way so that people will remain happy with me, like me, or love me.  there is a fear that resides and tells us that our lives need to be a certain way for us to be safe, happy, and loved and so often we taylor our choices around making the people we love happy with us so we don't have to feel unloved, unliked, unhappy and alone.  yet, in truth no one makes us feel anything.. our experience is generated from within us not without.  we clip our wings, our freedom and happiness not actually fulfilled because we are afraid of being free and "alone".  the idea that we are alone is this lie and the truth.  we are always connected to LOVE no matter if someone is 1000 miles away or right next to us.  the LOVE that is shared is always real for every one in every moment. 
     all i know is that i am only scratching the surface to a new practice of redirection and it is yielding a freedom in my heart, body, and mind.  LOVE with an open hand and an open heart.  there is nothing to forgive, only to be willing to sit and listen, follow the moment.  i do not believe we can shove things aside in our selves or bury them or push them down and experience the happiness we long for behind all that fear.  i do believe it's a more simple process than what most of our egos are telling us... it's as dark and scary as we make it.  we can move into and through our unhappiness to a place of real freedom and that while it takes a conscious choice and it is painful beyond belief at times.. it's worth it to fly.. i'm just now jumping out of the nest ;)
     

discipleship part 2 of 3

"Anther false belief: If all your desires are fulfilled you will be happy.  Not true.  In fact it is these very desires and attachments that make you tense, frustrated, nervous, insecure and fearful.  Make a list of all your attachments and desires and to each of them say these words: "Deep down in my heart I know that even after I have got you I will not get happiness." And ponder on the truth of those words.  The fulfillment of a desire can, at the most, bring flashes of pleasure and excitement.  Don't mistake that for happiness.
     What then is happiness?  Very few people know and no one can tell you, because happiness cannot be described.  Can you describe light to people who have been sitting in darkness all their lives?  Can you describe reality to someone in a dream?  Understand your darkness and it will all vanish; then you will know what light is.  Understand your nightmare for what it is and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality.  Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.
     If people want happiness so badly, why don't they attempt to understand their false beliefs?  First, because it never occurs to them to see them as false or even as beliefs.  They see them as facts and reality, so deeply have they been programmed.  Second, because they are scared to lose the only world they know: the world of desires, attachments, fears, social pressures, tensions, ambitions, worries, guilt, with flashes of the pleasure and relief and excitement which these things bring.  Think of someone who is afraid to let go of a nightmare because, after all, that is the only world he knows. There you have a picture of yourself and other people.
     If you wish to attain to lasting happiness you must be ready to hate father, mother, even your own life and to take leave of all your possessions.  How?  Not by renouncing them or giving them up because what you give up violently you are forever bound to.  But rather by seeing them for the nightmare they are; and then, whether you keep them or not, they will have lost their grip over you, their power to hurt you, and you will be out of your dream at last, out of your darkness, your fear, your unhappiness." ~ the way to love       

discipleship

     what if in looking at one's life and circumstance we could keep an open heart, hand and mind.  what if we could take an honest look at our circumstance and be willing to see where we might be hindering our own happiness.  what if we can see, hear and sense the truth even when we are unwilling to do anything to change it.  what if we are given the opportunity every day to fall further and further into ourselves, our intuition, our "voice" and overcome the deceit that resides in the human ego.  what if we are able to see that in listening to ourselves.. NOT our thoughts and fears that we could live more abundantly, clearly and happily... what if this kind of LOVE is real.
     i'm at a place where there is a lot going on outside myself that is so tempting to believe and yet over and over again i hear this voice telling me to keep doing what i'm doing and be patient for everything is working out for the best.  what if there are moments where i am tempted to pull the curtains down to reveal the wizard and yet know in my heart i would be robbing others of their experience and placing myself in fears way.  experience, pain and fear have always been my greatest teacher when i refuse to believe any power rests beyond myself for my own peace.  by allowing myself and others to lie to ourselves and others about our state of being it has only shown me reward even when it brings chaos of emotion.
     if i can live each day for hours with every pervasive thought and fear creeping in and out and watch it, listen to it, not attach to it, watch it move by... i strengthen my internal world which is the only one i really have for true happiness.  people, places, things, circumstance... can't change any of it or them but like everything in life they are also always changing.  at some point when i place my happiness on other people being a certain way and they change... WHOA! my entire being can be thrown off balance if i'm attached to things being a certain way for me to be at peace and happy.  bottom line.. we are ALL HUMAN, no one is perfect and before long the way someone chews their food can hit you as annoying.  how can something so little bother us so much if we are at peace and in LOVE with each moment. 
      today i was lying in the grass for hours by myself.. just noticing all the peace, beauty and intensity that is Nature.  realizing the moments i have shared with other humans where our silence, our gazing, our laughter, our soft touches were shared like that of sitting in the presence of the moon.  i generate my feelings and connection to all of these moments in life, it isn't something or someone else.. it's inside each of us.  we each have the ability to embrace and give our light and love, we each have the awareness to be present for ourselves.  if we lie, cheat or steal some part of time or another person we will eventually have to pay for what we have taken.  within ourselves and in the end no one gets out alive so why bother with fear and the suffering it creates by trying to chase something that is a natural birthright.  LOVE.  laughter has helped me so much, in addition to hanging out around lots of different people, lots of different surroundings AND hanging out with me. whether or not society has bullshit standards for what it takes to live a happy life i can be happy being a part in a cog... not just on this planet but realizing i am a part of ALL of it.. each blade of grass, star and piece of sand.  humans, so egotistical in thinking happiness can be manipulated to suit us by external means.  let life fill us with the searing, burning, awe, confusion and tenderness that are teeny tiny parts of LOVE.

discipleship: first half of chapter

     "take a look at the world and see the unhappiness around you and in you.  do you know what causes this unhappiness?  you will probably say loneliness or oppression or war or hatred or atheism.  and you will be wrong.  there is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.  because of these false beliefs you see the world and yourself in a distorted way.  programming is so strong and the pressure of society so intense that you are literally trapped into perceiving the world in this distorted kind of way.  there is no way out, because you do not even have a suspicion that your perception is distorted, your thinking is wrong, and your beliefs are false.
     look around and see if you can find a single genuiniely happy person- fearless, free from insecurities, anxieties, tensions, worries.  you would be lucky if you found one in a hundred thousand.  this should lead you to be suspicious of the programming and the beliefs that you and they hold in common.  but you have also been programmed not to suspect, not to doubt, just to trust the assumptions that have been put into you by your tradition, your culture, your society, your religion.  and if you are not happy, you have been trained to blame yourself, not your programming, not your cultural and inherited ideas and beliefs.  what makes it even worse is the fact that most people are so brainwashed that they do not even realize how unhappy they are-like the man in a dream who has no idea he is dreaming.
     what are these false beliefs that block you from happiness?  here are some examples.  first: you cannot be happy without the things that you are attached to and that you consider so precious.  false.  there is not a single moment in your life when you don't have everything you need to be happy.  think of that for a minute.  the reason why you are unhappy is because you are focusing on what you do not have rather than on what you have right now. 
     another belief: happiness is in the future.  not true.  right here and now you are happy and you do not know it because your false beliefs and your distorted perceptions have got you caught up in fears, anxieties, attachments, conflicts, guilt and a host of games that you are programmed to play.  if you would see through this you would realize that you are happy and do not know it.
     yet another belief: happiness will come if you manage to change the situation you are in and the people around you.  not true.  you stupidly squander so much energy trying to rearrange the world.  if changing the world is your vocation in life, go right ahead and change it, but do not harbor the illusion that this is going to make you happy.  what makes you happy or unhappy is not the world and people around you, but the thinking in your head.  as well search for an eagle's nest on the bed of an ocean, as search for the happiness in the world outside of you.  so if it is happiness you seek you can stop wasting your energy trying to cure your baldness or build up an attractive body or change your residence or job or community or lifestyle or personality.  do you realize you could change every one of these things, you could have the finest looks and the most charming personality and the most pleasant of surroundings and still be unhappy?  and deep down you know that this is true but still you waste your effort and energy trying to get what you know cannot make you happy." ~ the way to love.