I remember the moment I fell in love... and then i don't remember it at all... because it happened over and over and over. that first moment when someone felt like family and i hadn't even known them through any details of their life only through their presence, the moment they opened up and i had only hoped that they even existed, the moment i touched them and realized i had complete freedom to be me in ways i never had before, the moment when they confessed deep secrets and all i heard was truth.... it happened so many times in so many ways that at some point all it made me feel was fear. the fear that i could lose, might lose and then would lose this love. the kind of love that fills quiet moments, the kind of love that exists just lying next to someone, the kind of love that coming home from a long day to the cleaned dishes offered, the kind of love that says everything and nothing just by looking into someones eyes, the kind of love just touching someone, the kind of love i could spend alone with on an island somewhere, the kind of love i feel when i rest beneath the stars with grass beneath my body.
the fear that these moments are so precious... the rest of life seems to diminish in its light somehow, the fear that without this love you will be nothing, you already have been and are nothing, you are all these problems, issues, flaws, you are broken somehow and feel displaced from everything you experience around you, you are an outsider to what others have pleasure in, you are forgotten already, replaceable.. all these ideas that we aren't connected to love.
it all broke down. it all fell apart. moments where i became my worst nightmare. i found myself without myself... clinging to the idea of love and fear. i found myself behaving in ways that are NOT who i am in truth. i woke up one day and realized i had replaced myself with the idea of being alone and unlovable WITH the very LOVE that awakened my spirit so unconditionally. being "abandoned" became the reality. i found myself in a place of sickness that i had only known by its feeling inside me... admitting i had felt it in me somewhere like a mustard seed, almost my entire life. the wake up call that all the pain i felt in my heart was there for longer than i care to remember. it was there long before i had been gifted this shared LOVE. i guess some people don't relate to this at all. some people might have a much easier, simpler experience. not me. i have been blessed so much... in knowing the road less traveled.
can i say i'm sorry for losing myself.... so long after... realizing that in the face of true love i diminished back into all these old ideas of what i am not.. fear, pain, loss. when the bottom dropped out i was left with this searing pain. that pain brought me to the ground, and a new strength that others had seen but i had not known. a pain so deeply rooted that the only way to break free was to learn how to fly. the willingness to run and jump off the cliff was more powerful than the idea i would ever return to the lives i'd lived and who i'd ever been half heartedly prior. instead it seems like saying THANK YOU for being the LOVE that allows me to break free. in all that LOVE and FEAR and PAIN... LOVE loved me so much they let me go.
LOVE touched me and then LOVE let me go... so i could discover the truth of LOVE... within me and this life... all the sunsets, flowers, trees, stars, people... all the blessed moments that make up a short time here in truth. allowing myself to explore all the creativity that flows through this vessel that is "me". i want to LIVE in a way that when i am leaving this world alone i can breath into the light with no fear. I AM the LOVE i've been looking for... we all are. Blessings to all those who help bring us here... we are all in love with the dying. may you know you are star dust... may you know that this life is temporary and there is truth to stand for and all else to learn from.
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