the other side of the hurricane has passed over me now... there is a stillness and the slow rebuilding of a new life has begun. I have no interest in living my life the way I had been for so long. My life manifested a set of circumstances that to most people (including myself) would seemingly justify feelings of fear, anger, anxiety, jealousy, insecurity and depression. The temptation to follow this view of reality is so ingrained the challenge has been to follow these ideas to the core and discover that the pain i have been experiencing has been within me all along, long before the external situation existed. this feeling of not being happy has been with me as long as i can remember because i was looking for something in the world to make me feel whole or happy. that is the part of me that needed healing, it isn't about changing the circumstances of my life but to heal that within me which has been what created my experiences of pain.
my true love and i had broken hearts when we met, the love we shared was real, our love so deep, so bright well it was too intense and heavy for our broken hearts to handle and it burned us. the relationship became toxic, yet something in us said hold on but we had to let go if we were to heal. immediately the universe brought him to another woman and i had seen her coming in the last couple of months we were together and it had been the focus of my sickness... i was afraid of losing my love even more, i was attached to the idea that without him i would not be happy. the feeling that i could be left behind so quickly, disposed of, that he was giving her all the love and attention that i had been receiving was so overwhelming that it was what brought me to my knees. a pain so searing that all i could do was look for real freedom, nothing i had ever done to get myself out of pain would work... i had to dive head first into the waters below. what i have found is that my mind wants to take me to a place where it is okay to look at the external details of the "stories" in my life to justify the pain and sadness i am feeling saying "see!! look this is why i am not happy!" and yet if i look at what is happening i am able to see that none of it has to do with me and my experiencing happiness.
me being happy has nothing to do with anything external, me feeling freedom and being the LOVE i am has nothing to do with external circumstance looking the way i want it to or need it to... my attachments only bring happiness for brief periods of time and then i need another fix of some sort to be happy again. one little step in front of the other i find myself in a place where i am grateful for the exact way in which everything has happened and yes my mind still steps in to try and run me back into attachments and ego mind and all i can do is continue exercising a new awareness and practice that allows me to remember "I am not really attached to you at all. I have merely cheated myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy." ~ The Way To Love
i am beginning to experience what it is to let go of ideas and attachments and discover what it was i was looking for all along.. true inner happiness. being open to each moment and what the symphony has to offer... enjoy being a vessel for LOVE to flow through me in each moment in my life. when i realize i am my moon, my sun, each twinkling star, i am my own sunset and sunrise, every beautiful butterfly, every song that open my heart, every kiss, every passionate embrace, every thunderstorm, every hurricane i am able to stay open handed to life and the world and everything in it and know that my happiness is always found in me, not outside of me. it allows me to see people as they are in each moment and not attach them who they were before to me, instead being able to see them for the light in truth they are in each new moment and enjoy it. i have also been able to see that LOVE is shared, it never goes away, never dies it just isn't always looking back at you through the same set of smiling eyes. open hand, open heart.
He Went Away Sad 2 of 2
And here is something else to ponder: Each time you are anxious or afraid, it is because you may lose or fail to get the object of your attachment, isn't it? And each time you feel jealous, isn't it because someone may make off with what you are attached to? And almost all of your anger comes from someone standing in the way of your attachment, doesn't it? And see how paranoid you become when your attachment is threatened- you cannot think objectively; your whole vision becomes distorted, doesn't it? And every time you feel bored, isn't it because you are not getting a sufficient supply of what you believe will make you happy, of what you are attached to? And when you are depressed and miserable, the cause is there for all to see: Life is not giving you what you have convinced yourself you cannot be happy without. Almost every negative emotion you experience is the direct outcome of an attachment.
so there you are loaded down by your attachments- and striving desperately to attain happiness precisely by holding on to the load. The notion is absurd. The tragedy is that this is the only method that everyone has been taught for attaining happiness- a method guaranteed to produce anxiety, dissapointment and sorrow. Hardly anyone has been told the following truth: In order to be genuinely happy there is one and only one thing that you need to do: get deprogrammed, get rid of those attachment.
When people stumble upon this self-evident truth they become terrified at the thought of the pain involved in dropping their attachments. But the process is not a painful one at all. On the contrary, getting rid of attachments is a perfectly delightful task if the instrument you use to rid yourself of them is not willpower or renunciation but sight. All you need to do is open your eyes and see that you do not really need the object of your attachment at all; that you were thinking that you could not be happy or you could not live without this particular person or thing. Remember how heartbroken you once were, how you were certain you never would be happy again because you lost someone or something that was so precious to you? But what happened? Time passed and you learned to get on pretty well, did you not? That should have alerted you to the falseness of your belief, to the trick your programmed mind was playing on you.
An attachment isn't a fact. It is a belief, a fantasy in your head, acquired through programming. If that fantasy did not exist inside your head, you would not be attached. You would love things and persons and you would enjoy them thoroughly but, lacking the belief, you would enjoy them on a nonattachment basis. As a matter of fact, is there any other way to really enjoy something? Pass in review now all those attachments of yours. And to each person or object that comes to mind say: "I am not really attached to you at all. I am merely deluding myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy." Just do this honestly and see the change that comes about within you: "I am not really attached to you at all. I have merely cheated myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy." ~ The Way To Love
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