New Year, Old Story.. Who's Listening

I'll start here for now.. typing on my "smartphone" isn't as easy or satisfying as the depression of keys beneath my fingertips or my ability to see what I've written or edit as easily alas, its what I'll use and this will be short. 

I'm  fairly sure, based on my own experience, people have been speaking out & up since the beginning of injustices and cruelties.. it's the fact that the masses didn't care or wouldn't listen as to why these declarations weren't heard.  People consumed with their own struggles or bubbles had to choose what they could personally sacrifice just to listen much less to take action and stand behind truth and justice. So now people who are "important" are speaking out and people are listening but what is actually changing? Is it just the collective consciousness that is slightly shifting that we can publicly be angry and not sacrifice the limited "security" most work hard for everyday OR is it that people are willing to sacrifice what they have by their own means of comfort to stand in solidarity against those who monopolize our resources?  People have always been speaking up without the fear of retribution.. it's that now will others who aren't the ones directly affected be the ones to sacrifice in their "listening"? Will you risk a job or a paycheck, will you risk the comfort or basic needs of your family to stand behind and up for someone else who was violated, perpetrated, enslaved, forgotten or dismissed.. that's the question. What are we sacrificing to stand behind and support the truth? 

To creates scale of needs vs wants is difficult because so many live paycheck to paycheck but the reality of their lives in this comparison can be and are vastly different. What are you doing for a living, does it support a sustainable life model or are you hurting others seen or unseen to obtain the privileges your nuclear family benefits from or are you doing something that offers you a very comfortable life while others are struggling? So many questions, not enough truth.. 

people like Oprah, Bill Gates... who give so much yet in relation to how much they have or have "earned" in relationship to those they inspire.. are they really sacrificing anything to change the reality for others day to day? Because at the end of the conversation it is that the way they get to live day in and day out ( because "we the people" were inspired or loved) or what they created is not the same as the majority. They are living the luck they had in their own lives because people followed and supported them, granting them what they have.. the smartest, the brightest, most brilliant, charismatic people were and are still lucky to have the masses appreciate them in such a way that they can afford a life most only dream of having.   They SHOULD be our advocates, they should live with less, they should not be able to isolate themselves and the wealth they have acquired without simultaneously fighting and sacrificing for those who work hard and have much much less. They can afford to be the lobbyist of the people. They can organize and fight against corporations and our congress, they can fight for the majority. They can go on less vacations or have less homes, they can be the people's voice.. but they too must sacrifice if the majority are too.  

We live on one tiny planet in a universe largely unknown or explored. Our duty is to say hi and make eye contact with others inhabiting this planet, hurdling in space.. or job is to recognize our "smallness" and know that we are not here on this planet alone. Know our neighbors and have uncomfortable conversations, talk about the shadows, look for the truth, seek to understand the unimaginable, work to build a better race... the human race. 

Our Weakest Link

"We are as strong as our weakest link.."

While the origin of this saying is debated the point is still the same.  We are only as strong as our weakest link.  What does that mean for us these days?  What is our weakest link?  Is it the undereducated, is it hate, intolerance, greed, money, power, self interest, conflict among religious teachings, beliefs and the practical practice of religions, the conflict between religion and science, the lack of physiological awareness, the inability to see ones personal struggles and understand that as a collective we have the same struggles, is it the idea that we must separate ourselves from "negativity" and surround ourselves only with like minded people?

For me the current political climate is a reflection of where we have been for a long time.  Some people have lived it for generations, some people have seen it for generations, some people have been so isolated in their realities that they could not imagine how we could be so divided, and some people still believe that racism and bigotry are an ok way to believe.  Which came first the chicken or the egg?  Our country was founded by men who while doing there best to create a new country for europeans who under British rule felt no freedom or justice simultaneously vilified those they did not understand and slaughtered or enslaved them.  Our country was founded on the blood of those sacrificed for the very freedoms the founding ancestors wanted so desperately for themselves.  This is fact, it isn't an argument it is the truth.  What do we do with the truth?  Is it possible that we can look at the truth and see that we are still in the same situation just different details?

If we can see that we are repeating history can we actually look at it from a practical perspective and initiate real change by it? Because if we can't sit in the company of people we dislike or even hate and listen and try to understand or discuss our differences then what in that weakest link can we really change?  What is it we are so afraid of that we cannot have a dialogue with people who we don't agree?  Is it that our emotional identity is so strong that we can not accept where someone else is coming from because it threatens our well being, is it a reflection of our own inability to make real changes within ourselves or the way we live, or is it that we don't want to be alone in our views and the sacrifice of alienating ourselves from our friends, family, community and sense of belonging is too dominate for us to change the way we live?

I personally believe that we are so impacted by our upbringing and that our emotional intelligence is underdeveloped that we mentally and emotionally are stunted and that the realities most live in and the early teenage years are where most people stop growing.  No one wants to look at their short comings most want to be surrounded by people who agree with their beliefs ( the price of friendship among most humans).  We have societal structures in place that some how have determined that at 18 or 21 we are "adults" but who are the adults we are mimicking or mirroring?  The pace of our lives is so fast that most people are trying to carve out a good life for themselves and their families and fighting having free time to relax and enjoy any time or money they may have earned, i get it, and there seems to be a disconnect with the people who are doing it while earning 100,000 plus a year and those who are trying to do it on minimum wage AND those who are billionaires.  There are people who are dishonest and self centered at all of those levels and it seems that there is a trend where people believe all their hard work has won them the "good life" and those who aren't experiencing that "good life" haven't worked hard enough.. few seem to really appreciate their luck in all of it or the circumstances they were born into that helped create it.

i don't know what the solution is to this human crisis, i'm only one person.  We have all experienced talking with someone who holds extremely different views and how it's almost impossible to change either perspective.  Maybe just maybe if we know this to be true we can listen more and try to find our common ground, our neutral views and beliefs and build from there because building walls and dividing ourselves isn't going to create any change, we know this from history.  I'm not saying sit by while an act of violence and injustice is happening BUT do we have it in us to give time to actually helping resolve our differences or are we going to walk away judging the experience and say "how sad" we are that it happens?  Most people are capable of change but by in large there has to be an experience so profound that it can crack the mentality, the foundation of one's beliefs to the core.  I hope that we engage in conversations that are uncomfortable, that we allow ourselves to be politically incorrect in our dialogue that we may find ourselves in our truest forms as we are born with an open mind, open heart and curiosity abound.  We need to re-educate ourselves and expand upon what is true of our history, as humans, slow down, smell the roses AND admit that none of us have all the answers allowing us to be open to another viewpoint.  Start looking at ourselves and how we show up  not just for those we love and are beholden to BUT to the strangers we encounter every day.

I am going to keep making eye contact and smiling, saying "Hi" to everyone I cross paths with because it seems that such a simple act may hold more weight than most imagine.  living our lives making eye contact and smiling with every human we walk past because we are ALL here on this TINY ASS planet hurdling through space and NO ONE here is "God" so take advantage of the moment and how connecting is something that can make a tiny and yet significant difference in someones day, psyche and it can be built upon if it happens over and over and over again.  Maybe one day humans can be empathetic in a way that lends itself to real evolution.. you know.. the conscious kind.
  

The Upside of Broken

   Sometimes an event so profound happens that it tears you from your reality, taking with it every flimsy branch you were incapable of dancing upon safely, even though you kept trying... and when a life event breaks you in this way it will deliver you, if willing, to the bedrock foundation of substance. It will break away all the pieces of the house that were falling apart... seeming hopeless, cold, vulnerable to all the elements until you realize the only thing you ever really had was this foundation you hadn't used to build anything strong or stable upon in the first place. Initially feeling the "loss" of all these people, places and situations that filled your time and life only to sit in the emptiness long enough to discover all of it for what it was or is, fleeting, feel good distractions, good time friends and nothing more than a touchstone to move from.
     After a little more time passes one can clearly see who is in your corner, thick and thin, you can see who is invested in you and your life, heart and soul. The noisy intruders are easy to spot with their flash and fun but no real hand, ear or shoulder to hold, listen or lay your head on.. giving you the strength to look to those who are there. It changes you drastically and you start looking for the strong materials you need to build a life that will support you, not blow away when the storms come. Digging and reaching harder into oneself to reflect back this support, love and safety that is everything in a fleeting world.
     These days I find myself in a two bedroom, rental house with broken almost everything hahaha often occupied by 5 of us, 2 kitties, 1 car, not enough money to pay the bills, little free time, exhaustion as a new way of being, one car and SO MUCH LOVE, prayers for opportunity to answer our knocks and gratitude for all i have lived through to bring me to this moment in time. A new found respect for the true friends and family we have, deep appreciation for the strong branches remaining and the chance for new beginnings. LOVE is never lost only covered at times in the distortion of fear, the great reducer. For today.. I'm going to go sweep and mop the floors even though in less than a week they will look as though a mop has never crossed them...  and hopefully..  among the art supplies and musical equipment in that second bedroom make room for different dreams.. the kind fulfilled by a bunk bed.

The Blind See

  

....... even if it's painful!!

     i walked a path leading me unconsciously to kneel down and fall.. burning in the fire.  something in me desperately searching for that which i could not find... i found it in what was my mind and heart breaking... searing pain!!  i felt like i was dying, i was, i still am... i was graced with the fact that at some point the flames will die down and only hot coals will remain.  i find most of the way the world (humans) "works" or operates as offensive.  i do not understand, yet completely empathize with most of it if i am willing to "see".  because we believe that our thoughts are who we are and that belief dictates the reality we see.  yet, it seems so simple... we all die, so why do we cling to anything, yet i clung hard for every last moment of "happiness" and "love" i could get like a junky needs a fix.
     today the reality i live in looks nothing like it did 2 years ago.. not even 5 months ago, from behind my eyes.  the external world hasn't changed much in this time, it's the reality that has been revealed in not following the fear generated by my mind.  i still get pissed that others get to live in a reality masked by seemingly innocent intentions when the reality is they too are in desperate search of someone, or something to fill the internal void.  (because most humans aren't making choices because they view them as harmful, the opposite, humans in large believe their intentions are sound) these days i write about it, talk about it... then simply look for the willingness to let it go.
     you see no-one or anything outside of me can give me the lasting LOVE i seek... it's an inside job as some say.  if you are willing to look, to really see.. you will know that you too are in constant search of this peace that comes with TRUE LOVE and in being open to believe...  by simply identifying everything that defines you as the "me", then cling on to it with desperation, insecurity and need with a death grip as it falls through your hands like sand... fall to your knees in pain and maybe then we can all find the intense suffering of the ego dying is exactly what will set us free.  

                                           The Blind See

It is said that love is blind.  But is it?  Actually nothing on earth is as clear sighted as love.  The thing that is blind is not love but attachment.  An attachment is a state of clinging that comes from the false belief that something or someone is necessary for your happiness.  Do you have any attachments--people or things that you falsely believe you could not be happy without?  Make a list of them right now before we go on to study how exactly they blind you.
     Think of a politician who has convinced himself he will not be happy unless he gets political power.  His quest for power coarsens his sensitivity to the rest of life.  He barely has time for his family and friends.  Suddenly all human beings are perceived and reacted to in terms of the support or the threat that they are to his ambition.  And those who can neither threaten nor support he does not even notice.  If in addition to his craving for power he has an attachment to other things like sex or money, the poor man has become so selective in his perceptions that he could almost be said to be blind.  Everyone sees this except the man himself.  This is the condition that leads to the rejection of the Messiah, the rejection of truth and beauty and goodness, because one has come to be blind to perceive them.
     Now think of yourself listening to an orchestra in which the sound of the drum is so loud that nothing else can be heard.  To enjoy the symphony you must be responsive to every instrument in the orchestra.  To be in the state called love you must be sensitive to the uniqueness and beauty of every single thing and person around you.  You can hardly be said to love what you do not even notice; and if you notice only a few beings to the exclusion of others, that is not love at all, for love excludes no one at all; it embraces the whole of life; it listens to the symphony as a whole, not to just one or the other of the musical instruments.
     Stop for a while now to see how your attachments drain life's symphony no less than the politician's attachment to power and the businessman's attachment to money have hardened them to the melody of life.  Or look at the matter in another way: There is an enormous amount of information that is continuously flowing in from the world through the senses, the tissues of the organs in your body.  Only a small part of this information reaches your conscious mind.  It is like the infinite amount of feedback that is sent to the President of a nation: Only a tiny fraction finally makes its way to him.  Somebody does the screening and the processing at the President's office.  Who decides what will finally make its way to your conscious mind from all the material that is pouring in from the world?  Three decisive filters: first your attachments, second your beliefs and third your fears.
     Your attachments: you will inevitably look for what fosters or threatens them and turn a blind eye to the rest.  You won't be interested in the rest anymore than the avaricious businessman is interested in anything that does not involve the making of money.  Your beliefs: Just take a look at a fanatic who only notices what confirms his/ her belief and blocks out whatever threatens it and you will understand what your beliefs are doing to you.  And then your fears: If you knew you were to be executed in a week's time it would wonderfully concentrate your mind to the exclusion of everything else.  That is what fears do; they irresistibly rivet your attention on some things to the exclusion of others.  You falsely think that your fears protect you, your beliefs have made you what you are and your attachments make your life exciting and secure.  You fail to see that they are really a screen between you and life's symphony.
     It is quite impossible, of course, to be fully conscious of every note in life's symphony.  But if your spirit becomes unclogged and your senses open you will begin to perceive things as they really are and to interact with reality and you will be entranced by the harmonies of the universe.  Then you will understand what God is, for you will at last know what love is.
     Look at it this way: You see persons and things not as they are but as you are.  If you wish to see them as they are you must attend to your attachments and the fears that your attachments generate.  Because when you look at life it is these attachments and fears that will decide what you will notice and what you will block out.  Whatever you notice then commands your attention.  And since your looking has been selective you have an illusory version of the things and people around you.  The more you live with this distorted version the more you become convinced that it is the only true picture of the world because your attachments and fears continue to process incoming data in a way that will reinforce your picture.  This is what gives origin to your beliefs: fixed, unchanging ways of looking at a reality which is not fixed and unchanging at all but in movement and change.  So it is no longer the real world that you interact with and love but a world created by your head.  It is only when you drop your beliefs, your fears and attachments that breed them that you will be freed from the insensitivity that made you so deaf and blind to yourself and to the world. ~ The Way To Love
     
    
     

Heaven At Hand

   

    sometimes we create lives for ourselves that are smaller than we can actually exist in without suffocating.  we do it out of a desperation.. attempt to shrink our awareness so that we may sustain an idea of happiness.  an underlying, unconscious belief that we can't actually make everything happen we want to, that our dreams won't come true... so we give up a huge part of ourselves, cut out parts of our hearts and souls to try and shrink back into a tiny space.  a safe familiar place, that we have outgrown but with no new road to walk yet.  there are all different kinds of distractions and attachments that can sustain us even though we are starving inside.  starving for a richness in life that maybe we feel unworthy of having, incapable of creating, or that we just don't deserve it... "born to lose" (someone i hold most dear will say at times).  the inner struggle of wanting happiness & and freedom yet having all these contradictory beliefs about why we can't have it.  mostly relying on our ego mind and our programming, looking at the past to dictate or determine why the longing in our hearts should be ignored, denied, resisted... and we find all the ways we can to distract ourselves from this longing.
     it is hard to let go of the way we view the world... until it becomes painful enough and there is no choice but to surrender and let go.  the moment when we can see we are holding on to the illusion of fulfillment and happiness... all the emotions that come with it keep us in a tortuous cycle... to follow the truth of the heart might mean our friends and family, our "inner circle" are not going to support us, the fears of losing some sense of security and safety even though it isn't satisfying us deeply nor in moments of solitude.  to venture out to the skinny branches alone learning to listen and follow the truth of our own heart.
     most people don't grow or change much in their lifetime but rather make a series of choices to keep themselves feeling safe, constantly reworking details to affirm their comfort.  the very moment the light burns you, most run away.  i'm quite convinced the exact things that brought me the most pain... is where i found the willingness to interpret as "time to fucking grow again"... and resulted in just that...  a transmutation of thought, being and energy.  i'm often distracted by how truly unambitious i am, yet continue to be willing to look eagerly at everything, my existence seems full and yet lonely.  not the kind of lonely without having your very own person or being a part of another person, but the lonely that is you are upon the planet alone.. essentially?   we come in without knowing and we leave essentially the same way.  maybe a part of us cries.   what if every moment is consolidated into one singular moment of awareness and all emotions as we know them go into a worm hole... we only have an unpredictable amount of time here, to be, do, love, fight... whatever we choose, something goes on from us when we die other than a physical energetic responses firing?  our essence is more than just neurons firing?  or is it not..
     imagine the most amount of love you can experience and shine that glorious searing light using it  to curve your own edges, gracing it with shadows saving you from disintegrating in an explosion... spontaneous combustion?  of your own TRUE brilliance.. then shut it off completely with no sight or sound or light, no taste no smell, no touch... imagine if we lived and died not having that awake spirit.  losing a companion to that light, that death reawakens you if you allow it... opens the heart making a gash... a deep cut and you must hold space for this great LOVE... we are all stardust.. we come from somewhere in  the town of "Everything.. in the Middle of Nowhere"!!  i hope we discover to wander again.. within the everything in the middle of nowhere.. sometimes it's in being lost that we find ourselves <3 p="">                                                       
                                                                Heaven At Hand
  
Imagine you have a radio that no matter how you turn the knob picks up only one station.  You have no control over the volume.  At times the sound is barely audible, at others, it is so loud that it almost shatters your eardrums.  Moreover it is impossible to turn it off; at times it will be slow; it will suddenly begin to blare away when you want to rest and sleep.  Who would put up with this kind of performance in a radio?  And yet when your heart behaves in this kind of crazy fashion you not only put up with it but even call it normal and human.
     Think of the numerous times you were tossed about by your emotions, that you have suffered the pangs of anger, depression, anxiety, when in every instance it was because your heart became set on getting something that you did not have, or on holding on to something that you had, or avoiding something that you did not want.  You were in love and felt rejected or jealous; suddenly all your mind and heart became focused on this one thing, and the banquet of life turned to ashes in your mouth.  You were bent on winning an election and in the din of battle it was impossible to hear the songs of birds:  Your ambition drowned out every other sound.  You were faced with the possibility of a serious illness or the loss of a loved one and you found it impossible to concentrate on anything. 
     To put it briefly, the moment you pick up an attachment, the functioning of this lovely apparatus called the human heart is destroyed.  If you want to repair your radio, you must study radio mechanics.  If you want to reform your heart, you must give serious, prolonged thought to four liberating truths.  But first choose some attachment that troubles you, something that you are clinging to, or something that you dread, or something you are craving for, and keep this attachment in mind as you listen to these truths.
     The first truth: You must choose between your attachment and happiness.  You cannot have both.  The moment you pick up an attachment, your heart is thrown out of kilter and your ability to lead a joyful carefree serene life is destroyed.  See how true this is when applied to the attachment that you have chosen.
     The second truth: Where did your attachment come from?  You were not born with it.  It sprang from a lie that your society and your culture have told you, or a lie that you have told yourself, namely, that without this or the other, without this person or the other, you can't be happy.  Just open your eyes and see how false this is.  There are hundreds of persons who are perfectly happy without this thing or person or situation that you crave for and that you have convinced yourself you cannot live without.  So make your choice: Do you want your attachment, or your freedom and happiness?
     The third truth: If you wish to be fully alive you must develop a sense of perspective.  Life is  infinitely greater than this trifle your heart is attached to and which you have given the power to upset you.  Trifle, yes, because if you live long enough a day will easily come when it will cease to matter.  It will not even be remembered -- your own experience will confirm this.  Just as today you barely remember, are no longer the least affected by those tremendous trifles that so disturbed you in the past.
     And so the fourth truth brings you to the unavoidable conclusion that no thing or person outside of you has the power to make you happy or unhappy.  Whether you are aware of it or not it is you and only you who decides to be happy or unhappy, whether you will cling to your attachment or not in any given situation.
     As you ponder these truths you may become aware that your heart is resisting them or argues against them and refuses to look at them.  That is a sign that you have not yet suffered enough at the hand of your attachments to really want to do something about your spiritual radio.  Or your heart may place no resistance to these truths; if that is so, rejoice.  Repentance, the refashioning of the heart has begun and the kingdom of God-- the gratefully carefree life of children--has some within your grasp at last and you are about to reach out and take possession of it.

     
     

Bring In The Poor

not claiming any special rights here. . . living my life driven by a hundred forms of fear, attaching myself to the ever changing external circumstances to be the salve for my soul while all the while searching for the state of wholeness, freedom and love that is my/our birthright.  science shows us that everything is connected... an internal sense is aware of this without science proving it.. but most of the time the chatter of our minds keeps us from hearing it clearly.
     it is always easy to get caught up in someone else behavior, words, actions and feeling the emotions of negativity and judgement.  it is harder to step back and watch as an observer to see their behavior and where they are coming from as well as observe what it is in ourselves that is so disrupted by the external.  i've had some experiences lately where i was able to see someones behavior, watch it, allow it and then see that their mind had disrupted their sense of happiness and joy.. they too were lost in the distortion of fear and became "sick" from it.  once again allowing me the opportunity to observe when i myself am in a state of "sickness" and distortion.  
     today i became aware of a distortion in myself that is the presence of unworthiness.  the inability to receive love in context of a romantic relationship.  i feel worthy of love and can receive it in other relationships and friendships, gifts from the universe.. yet when a deep LOVE shared and given arose i found that fear became overwhelmingly powerful and i was unable to trust and receive the LOVE shared and given.  i faltered and shook with the underlying fear of unworthiness, that had existed within me long before this deep love came along.  LOVE is reality and anything that is not of love is the dream, it is the distortion as is anything generated by fear.  remembering that who and what we are is not merely the reality perceived by the 5 senses, rather this connected oneness to everything.
    negativity and judgement lie within ourselves and usually driven by something unhealed within ourselves, a fear that we are not connected, we are not enough or the right kind.  if it is possible for me to find compassion for my own state of being when disconnected from the truth: that i was born connected to everything, i am enough just as i am, that my differences are my beauty, i am the LOVE i seek then it is possible to find that same compassion for others who are suffering this path too.  we are worthy of LOVE and happiness, of feeling good no matter what that damaging event, circumstance or childhood experience "told" us.  may we each receive the medicine to heal these wounds, to remove the chatter of defeating thoughts or external circumstance and stand as the presence of LOVE we are in truth.  may we uncover and reclaim our birthright as stardust to shine with our feet upon the earth. 



                                                              Bring In The Poor

Think of someone you dislike--someone you generally avoid because his/ her presence generates negative feelings in you.  Imagine yourself in this person's presence right now and watch the negative emotions arise . . . you are, quite conceivably, in the presence of someone who is poor, crippled, blind or lame.
     Now understand that if you invite this person, this beggar from the streets and alleys into your home, that is, into your presence, he/she will make you a gift that none of your charming, pleasant friends can make you, rich as they are.  He or she is going to reveal yourself to you and reveal human nature to you--a revelation as precious as any found in scripture, for what will it profit you to know all the Scriptures if you do not know yourself and so live the life of a robot?  The revelation that this beggar is going to bring will widen your heart till there is room in it for every living creature.  Can there be a finer gift than that?
     Now take a look at yourself reacting negatively and ask yourself the following question: "Am I in charge of the situation or is this situation in charge of me?"  That is the first revelation.  With it comes the second: The way to be in charge of the situation is to be in charge of yourself, which you are not.  How does one achieve this mastery?  All you have to do is understand that there are people in the world who, if they were in your place, would not be negatively affected by this person.  They would be in charge of the situation, above it, not subject to it as you are.  Therefore, your negative
feelings are caused, not by this person, as you mistakenly think, but by your own programming.  Here is the third and major revelation.  See what happens when you really understand this.
     Having received these revelations about yourself, listen to this revelation concerning human nature.  This behavior, this trait in the other person that causes you to react negatively--do you realize that he or she is not responsible for it?  You can hold on to your negative feelings only when you mistakenly believe that he or she is free and aware and therefore responsible.  But who ever did evil in awareness?  The ability to do evil or to be evil is not freedom but a sickness for it implies a lack of consciousness and sensitivity.  Those who are truly free cannot sin as God cannot sin.  This poor person here in front of you is crippled, blind, lame, not stubborn and malicious as you so foolishly thought.  Understand this truth; look at it steadfastly and deeply; and you will see your negative emotions turn into gentleness and compassion.  Suddenly you have room in your heart for someone who was consigned to the streets and alleys by others and by you.
     Now you will realize that this beggar came to your home with an alms for you--the widening of your heart in compassion and the release of your spirit in freedom.  Where before you used to be controlled (these persons had the power to create negative emotions in you and you went out of your way to avoid them) now you have the gift of freedom to avoid no one, to go anywhere.  When you see this you will notice how to the feeling of compassion in your  heart has been added the feeling of gratitude to this beggar who is your benefactor.  And another new, unaccustomed feeling: You actually feel a desire to seek out the company of these growth producing crippled, blind and lame people, the way someone who has learned to swim seeks water, because each time you are with them, where before you used to feel the oppression and tyranny of negative feelings, you can now actually feel an ever-expanding compassion and the freedom of the skies.  And you can barely recognize yourself as you see yourself going out into the streets and alleys of the town, in obedience to the Master's injunction, to bring the poor, the crippled, the blind and lame. ~The Way To Love
    

Nowhere To Go

   

 the last four months have been one long, living, breathing catharsis and i'll be damned... i am experiencing results.  at first there was so much painful searing in my heart that i thought it felt like it was going to kill me.. found myself pleading to the stars above to release me from this pain!!  crying, searing pain, more of the same each day with only a few moments of peace and mostly that came when i was reading this book and a course in miracles.  then the process lead me back to being aware of my thoughts from an observer standpoint.  feeling the searing pain, listening to these thoughts that were wanting me to believe that something outside of myself was the genesis of my pain.  when we look at the way someone is treating us, we believe that their behavior and actions are why we feel good or bad, happy or sad.  that if this stranger i'm waiting on at work would be polite i wouldn't feel irritated or pissed and collectively we support that thinking.  we collectively tell our stories to one another more often than not we receive a validation that our emotional state is justified because of external circumstance.  "i'm angry at (my lover, husband, wife) because they were flirting with this other person, texting them, sharing an emotional bond that is supposed to be between us" the friend would respond with "that is so inappropriate, what kind of person does that if they are committed to you?!" and you feel justified that this feeling inside yourself that is angry, jealous, insecure, and afraid is because this person you love and trust is doing something you don't like, that has hurt you and created the internal feelings.

     when in truth the feelings inside us, are already there.  for most of us they began as young children and have been running the show ever since.  so that's what started happening is that every time my mind wanted to tell me a story as to why i was feeling the way i was, i was able to start getting real, moving deeper within myself to accept that in fact the FEELINGS had pretty much always been there..  so then what?  how do i stop listening to the thoughts in my head (the stories) and then stop believing the feelings that are telling me i am broken, i am not ok, life will never work out, i will always be forgotten, no one really cares, i've been abandoned by life and all these people, i'm afraid, i am unlovable.. ?  for me i started just trying to figure out what do i like?  what do i want to do?  what makes me happy all by myself?  what thoughts make me feel good and happy?  how do i create an internal happiness that will allow me to not be thrown off kilter by how someone does or doesn't treat me?  how do i become free?

     i slowly started changing, working my ass off with releasing, being committed to wanting a completely different relationship with myself and life...  before i knew it something within me started to transform.  situations that before would have set my thoughts off on a rampage, they stopped happening... i began to recognize the absence of things that used to go on internally.  situations where i could observe the experience, tell the other person how i was feeling or what my truth was, yet not needing them to "make me feel better" by responding a particular way, let go and move on.  in this practice of letting go of the ego mind and attachments it is discussed that we can't renounce things, shut down or shut off because that is in opposition to being free and happy and LOVE.  to truly live with an open hand and an open heart we develop a deeper more meaningful relationship with ourselves, in turn it does allow us to let people be themselves and we can be free to be ourselves.

     one of the hardest things i had to let go of is how can someone love you one day be connected and loving and then abruptly do an about face detach, act coldly with no explanation and if you ask them or mention it they make it about you.  how do you get to a place where you can really see that their behavior has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them, not take it personally and continue to be the LOVE you are in TRUTH?  what if you can view the behavior of this other person from a stand point that they too are reacting to the stories in their head and life, they too are attached to everything needing to be a certain way for them to be happy, they too are believing that it's you that causes their pain. welcome to the planet ya'll and as humans with the much fucking bigger picture in mind.. i'm not sure we have even been born yet in our evolution.

     i still have a long way to go yet i am here to shout out that it does work if you really want to be free... i cannot imagine what awaits for me as i garner more time in the experience of true LOVE and freedom!! OH and like i said at the beginning i thought the searing pain was going to kill me... it did in a way.. i had to die to how i had been living to come back into the awareness that i am (as we all are in TRUTH) LIGHT & LOVE.



                                                            Nowhere To Go

     Here is a mistake that most people make in their relationships with others.  They try to build a steady nesting place in the ever-moving stream of life.
     Think of someone whose love you desire.  Do you want to be important to this person, to be especial and make a difference in his/her life?  Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way?  If you do, open your eyes and see that you are foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your freedom for their benefit, to control your behavior, your growth and development so that it will suit their interest.  It is as if the other person said to you, "If you want to be especial to me then you must meet my conditions.  Because the moment you cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be especial."  You wanted to be especial to someone, didn't you?  So you must pay a price in lost freedom.  You must dance to the other person's tune just as you demand that other person's dance to yours if they want to be especial to you.
     Pause now and ask yourself if it is worth paying so much for so little.  Imagine you say to this person whose special love you want, "Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to follow my inclination, to behave in ways that i decide are to my liking."  The moment you say those words you will understand that ou are asking for the impossible.  To ask to be especial to someone means essentially to be bound to the task of making yourself pleasing to this person.  And therefore to lose your freedom.  Take all the time you need to realize this. 
     Maybe now you are ready to say, "I'd rather have my freedom than your love."  If you could either have company in prison or walk the earth in freedom all alone, which would you choose?  Now say to this person, "I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking."  The moment you say that you will observe one of two things:  Either your heart will resist those words and you will be exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are; so now is the time to examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy.  Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, possessiveness, jealousy will drop.  "I leave you free to be yourself: to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, behave in ways that you decide are to your liking."
     And you will notice something else: The person automatically ceases to be especial and important to you.  And he/she becomes important the way a sunset or a symphony is lovely in itself, the way a tree is especial in itself and not for the fruit or the shade it can offer you.  Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or no one like the sunrise and the tree.  Test it by saying those words again: " I leave you free to be yourself..."In saying those words you have set yourself free.  You are now ready for love.  For when you cling, what you offer the other is not love but a chain by which both you and your beloved are bound.  Love can only exist in freedom.  The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover. ~ The Way To Love