A Black Dress

"One measure-and perhaps the best measure-of a person's greatness is the capacity for suffering. Yet the great are also joyful. This, then, is the paradox." Road Less Traveled pg76

Today we took our last walk with our family dog Stranger. The suffering he was enduring far exceeded what he could handle, his pain consumed him, he would fall over when standing and couldn't get up on his own anymore. With his teeth he had torn away the fur and skin on his hind legs leaving exposed muscle that made you wince. The joys had almost all but gone for him and his life, it would have been only our own dread of suffering in his absence that would have kept him here. So it was time to let him go and begin to collect our joyful memories brought into our lives by him.

Growing up my family did not have dogs, it never even seemed as though we were missing anything by not having a dog. Our world changed over 16 years ago. I had what was a pretty typical "battle of the wills" with my parents. We went toe to toe and what we did not know and would not know until 16 years later... that day we all won.

I had been at boarding school in Sedona Arizona and was graduating (by the skin of my teeth). My parents and Aunt came for my graduation. Upon their arrival to take me back across state line (lol, i was their outlaw for sure), i had with me a tiny new companion, his name, Stranger. In the litter he was the one pup who stuck to himself and did his own thing.. the common inquiry of the little guy was "what's up little Stranger" and it became his name. He and I had an arrangement it was that whenever I ate anything (especially Popsicles ) it was understood that i would share, and share more than i wanted! Thus began our love affair, he would sit in between the small of my back and the sofa when I would visit the house where he lived. In May of '94 there I stood before my parents having just barely graduated by my hard work at skillful manipulation of rules, systems and loop holes. My long blond hair completely matted in dread locks, under arm hairs sticking out beneath my shirt, with an aversion to deodorant and regular baths, long leg hairs AND with my ongoing demands.. "I won't leave here without him" i said as I held the furry critter beneath my arm.

There was a stand off, imagine that, my dad and i disagreeing?! His answer was stern and no, my mom was in agreement with my father. Their argument went something like "you aren't mature enough to take care of a dog" and my reply was "whatever" (validating their point exactly). The differing viewpoints ended with Stranger and I catching a ride to New Mexico with a friend Nick. Somewhere in a hotel parking lot a treaty was made with my parents 1.stranger was not allowed in the hotel room 2. had to sleep in his carrier in the car.... he slept in his carrier safely tucked on to one side of the hotel room that night. Thus began the journey of the rules being stated by my father and this little dog breaking them, definitely my child.

I had Stranger for only a year to myself.. we set out on a grand adventure after boarding school. He had the benefit of me in my hippie stage because i allowed him to be a dog.. a free spirited, run around in the woods, eat meat and rice and left overs diet, never on a leash little dog! He was a little person really, the more I accepted his dogness the easier it was for him to be almost human.. funny how that worked. His freedom was something he enjoyed so much that he never transitioned out of the late night wandering, and no matter where my parents lived, he always and i mean always managed to escape at just the last minute so he could go do his thing :) He loved being outside, and you might think that is typical but most dogs want to be where the owner or people are, right under foot.. but not him, he was tickled to just be outside, taking it all in.

Yesterday that little wag stopped, his eyes and little body went still and he was gone. He won't be there as my mom and grandmas constant companion with his senile barking in the middle of the night. His pain is gone and ours remains for the absence of this little body of love and joy that filled our home for over 16 years! His last memory of this place was with my Mom, Dad and I... and he finally got to eat a fucking chocolate bar! After 16 years of wanting chocolate, he ate it as his last meal, and he gobbled it up, I believe it was exactly what he thought it would taste like. I sat on the floor yesterday beside my sweet mom as she held his little face to hers and gently laid it down as he died. I sat with my mother and father and we cried for this little guy, this little being they couldn't fathom having in their lives, who ended up touching their hearts in ways they never imagined. They lost his sweet presence from their bedside, their kitchen, beside them watching a movie, they won't here his bark at the front door at midnight after a romp by himself wanting to be let back in, the adventures and stories have ended and they will search back through time to collect every memory that holds a piece of their heart because of him. For me it's that we never spoke a word to each other in over 16 years and yet i knew him, i knew when he barked if it was because he was hungry, or wanted out, if he needed more water, or just wanted a treat, if he was being demanding because he could or if it was because he might have heard something and did i?, we shared a million cigarettes it seems and i have never watched the stars more with anyone else... It's funny how life can change us even when we don't know it's happening, how precious it all is and how quickly it is lived, how sometimes losing a battle truly allows you to win a war, and that in the end love can be as simple as a chocolate bar shared among loved ones.