Sliding Away.. and Back

"It is not impractical to seriously consider changing the rules of the game when the game is clearly killing you" ~ The Different Drum pg18

I woke this morning and read an email a friend had sent to me the previous night. An inspirational and telling piece inspired by his own life, loosely tied to a conversation we had begun several days ago at lunch. I was moved by his writing. After waking more fully (from a self induced emotional hang over), I began to write of the "new", old revelation I have come to many times in this life, which became an extension of the conversation we had begun.

What I didn't share the other day is that although i know the disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, no one mentioned (or did they?) it rests in the core of my being attaching itself to my brain like a spiderweb. A web of selfish, destructive ideas all capturing each moment with distorted bits of logic, whose sole purpose is to "be in control". Mostly busying itself with "this equals this" kind of thinking (oh the conclusions and deductions it makes). That being said, it does not permiate all areas of my life anymore. My life had an overhaul working outward in on an intimacy scale. It began by me being able to interact with the world at large and acquaintances with love and tolerance as my code, pretty consistently. The further removed I am from a situation or person the more empathetic I can be making the children in other countries my bleeding heart. It is easy to believe I am an instrument of god's LOVE in those cases. The "problem" is that the closer to me you get, or I get to you the more resistant i am to believing that love and tolerance is still the code and rarely does "how can i be helpful" come to mind.

It appears time and time again (my disease rears its ugly head) I fail to recall god is running the show including the details of my more personal and intimate relationships in life. Ahh the relationship.. the lover. For some reason (unimportant at this juncture) I have decided that this area of my life, this personal detail is one that will require my attention and knowledge over the implimentation of simple principles and gods direction. Evidentially, the spiderweb needs to feel in charge! In this delusion there is the idea that I need to look for signs of what isn't working about the other person to "protect" myself from some perceived, potential evil (Delusion remember). In this brain exists elaborate stories, ideas, old, new, and tons that aren't even mine *whose genesis is unknown. (* reference a monkey story i was told, remind me to write about it). To be included in these endless corrosive fears are the following.. "I will be left alone in pain to die", "i'll be stuck with someone not good enough to measure up, until I die", "I will be in love with an abusive, unloving, selfish man and not be able to see it" or "I will cuddle a turd and believe it's a diamond while skipping around with shit on my face for the world to see and make fun". The fear, the lie is that if I trust God and try to understand rather than be understood with my lover.. I will not be Okay.. mind you it's just my ego talking, and that is the joke in all this! The fear and self centeredness so corrosive it completely clouds my ability to remember all i need to do is focus on god, and pick up the tools.

The fear so great and the material so deep, its easy to see how I would travel it alone.. believing I had every tool I needed to handle slaying any dragon, and until the pain becomes greater than the fear, I am unwilling to let go. I have been so convinced that my identity and self worth rest upon the actions and love of said person that I don't even know this is what's going on. Gods grace usually steps in at what seems a minute to late and allows me to experience a pain, a desperation so great I can finally surrender. Once again pain is the healer of pain, for it leads me back to my source. In that moment, in the calm and peace there is no fight left in me. The obsession is removed I can hear serenity because there are no arguments, ideas or rebuttals in my head. In it's place resides a stillness coupled with humility, peace and ease. I am not broken, the world did not end at that moment of perceived loss, and i trust god. I am now able to see and apply these principles to those i am closest, and trust my higher power is not playing a joke on me. I can accept that the process works every time, even in the presence of sadness, being uncomfortable, or feeling fear. God has never dropped me and I do not believe that "Mr right" is one of the men of my past and I fucked up love so bad that I ruined what was meant to be.. I am just NOT that powerful.

I reached a point of desperation in my life (over 5 years ago) where I offered to a God of my understanding my life. I asked that I may be happy, joyous and free with a "thy will not mine be done" added to summation. No where in my prayers did i ask that I may look good to the world around me, to be seen as dazzling, with a perfect partner and a perfect life. That was the life I wanted and had been going towards that almost killed me, bringing me to my knee I have learned that I would rather be loved by a man I see as amazing than liked by a world who doesn't know me, who have not held my head while I cried. I simply had to remember in all this that I have been given a process that works if i will use it... wash, rinse, repeat. These days I look to relinquish this old idea that I ever had any power effective enough to create any change,joy or happiness in my life.. except in my power to surrender.