Song To A Poet

"All around us there are these surprises of kindly interference, manifesting the grace of life, the tenderness and mercy of God. Thus our hearts are wooded into thanksgiving and praise for what has been given to us." ~ Howard Thurman

The greatest relationship I will have is the one with myself and my Higher Power. The only one that I may hold on to with a tight grip... the unseen, the ever changing.. the one that requires I live life open hearted, open minded and open handed. It has taken so much to get to this place of a real beginning where I begin to distinguish the true from the false. This relationship was the last I consciously fostered and has in a short time yielded fruits of freedom, serenity, trust, peace, happiness and gratitude beyond any I dreamed. It is a real challenge when there is a person standing beside me to reach for the hand of God, instead of theirs, for sure!

The other day I experienced fear in the way that I was upside down in a haze of white noise, heart beating faster, breathing different (all so subtle that a year ago I would not have even felt that it was occurring). While in this place, I shared with my friend sitting across from me the ideas, stories and fears I could hear floating around in my head. He listened and quietly asked me one question and in the one sentence I could see the life line of truth he had thrown me. I was able to see that I was in the midst of fear, I could hear the truth and see the horizon, I held on tight to the truth, it felt near impossible not to hold on to the friend, or the feelings that overwhelmed me but instead to the truth that all of it was okay, it just felt crazy! I was tempted to "fix" the situation, the misunderstanding created, the feelings of fear but in the end pausing when agitated or doubtful, recoiling from the moment even though it was not my first instinct but a request, and praying once again proved the best choice and closest path to solution.

I am discovering what it is to allow a misunderstanding to exist. To allow myself and others the freedom of misunderstandings, wrong ideas and fears and our own path back to our higher power. Until very recently I failed to use these tools . It had not been my experience to allow myself to be misunderstood by someone, to allow them to think what they needed to believe and trust that God is still alive and well in the moment. The part in the St. Francis prayer "to understand than be understood" was so key for me. In the moment I attempt to be understood I am pushing my Higher Power aside, declaring that it is my show to run and that I can make the results what I want them to be, instead of what the results are. The fear and delusion that something will be lost if I don't "manage well" motivated me to often take matters in to my own hands. I would push someone into hearing me or understanding me the way I wanted to be understood as if that manipulation would yield desirable results. The concept that IN EVERY SINGLE MOMENT my dedication is to be a channel of Gods peace, seems contrary to the rules of engagement that societally and collectively we have created by our egos and fears... Interesting.

In the past several months I had taken myself on in a new way. Ready and willing to bring about awareness of fantasies, ideas, behaviors, habits and things in the way I had been living for the purpose of letting it go. In the process my simple willingness allowed quite a bit to be removed. My higher power had given me the hand of a friend to hold while going through these last few months, it gave me comfort and support to step out onto the skinny branches that i had contemplated reaching towards for some time. This friend was the voice of truth and reason, allowing me to experience the true from the false not just as information, ideas or knowledge but part of a tangible experience that held depth and weight. Once my feet were firmly planted on top of this skinny branch of new possibility.. the friend departed for a period of time. It was sad for me and yet aware I had made it to a new closeness in my relationship with me and my higher power.

While it can feel more comfortable to be standing in this new space, sharing it with a great, soulful, friend the experience was mine to share with God. While there is no desire to go back to where I had been and truthfully impossible to attempt (the cost would be my sanity and recovery), it's always in the gap that the desire to grab something, anything to make it feel familiar can be pervasive. Letting go of what has gone so that we can be in the moment of now and what is born in this space is incredibly uncomfortable when the human experience has largely consisted of holding on to the physical manifestation of Gods love. The grace my higher power offers me is astounding for this time I am being allowed to just stand on this here branch, breath in and out, metabolize and adjust to a new beginning. Like a trembling child there is no need to force oneself to being comfortable, each to his own process and journey. While some times running off the cliff, jumping and falling into the water below is the answer, other days it is curling up with a book and taking a nap, working with others, running errands or doing the laundry.

This is not a race to spiritual perfection it is the progress experienced. I will always want to grow, change and experience the next thing and sometimes that is just being. John Todd one of my first mentors used to say "Katie we are human beings, not human doings.. you can love yourself as you are right now." In my growing relationship with myself, Principles I believe spiritual in nature, a God of my understanding I am experiencing what it is to live and love unconditionally.. a novice but scratching the surface of something enormous and beautiful.

picture perfect

... some days are better than others.. the end.

Gifts

" what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" ~ emerson.

often i wonder what i am supposed to do with the gifts i have been given. today i can hear it spirit speaking to me... it isn't in doing anything but simply being that the gifts are accessed. From that point I get to choose what I want to do with it. God is everything or God is nothing. By my understanding nothing falls into the category of everything.. so, there we have it. In every moment if I can learn to listen from an open heart, not with ears that listen for what i identify with or don't, what i like or don't but if i listen to the words being spoken i find the truth i need to hear, right there. 70% of all communication is non verbal.

if i listen, i hear your insecurities, your nervousness, you desire to be loved, desire to be needed, wanted, liked, i hear you are vulnerable... i hear that you are afraid of things you don't even acknowledge, i hear that you see something in me that fills you, allows you to feel connected, not alone, encouraged, supported, strong. i hear that love is what we all are and desire. we are all saying to each other.. i want to know that i am okay, that i am enough, that i don't need to be scared, that i can have faith, i want to believe that love is real that i am connected to something bigger than death. We can hear what is happening behind the scenes, we can access that psychic, intuitive form of listening and communicating. We are fragile and strong, we are affected.

what do i want to do with this gift, Be present.

My Own Medicine

"of the thousands, maybe even millions, of risks we can take in a lifetime the greatest is the risk of growing up." ~road less traveled p.134

This morning my readings largely consisted of love lessons... and how love is NOT a feeling but actions. The lesson is that feeling love is the byproduct. How real enlightenment comes through a lifetime practice of real love. I am able to admit that I have not been very loving in my life. I have experienced a lot of the byproduct of selfishness which felt good and I wanted to call it love.

The pills I am swallowing right now are BIG and if it wasn't for the trick of washing them down with some warm water, I'd be screwed. The warm water in this case is my Higher Powers protection and care. I am experiencing a relief filled with hope. As I accept some truths about myself and how I have continued to show up for my life, I see there is a way out. I can in fact be a person who defines her life by principles rather than how I feel in a moment or by my self- centered behaviors.

All I can say for now is that it is extremely uncomfortable to NOT do what I want when I want it and attempt to behave in a manner that honors my principles. I am deciding to outgrown the rewards of self-centered, selfish, pleasure seeking, codependent living... they don't feel half as good as they used to. I have received so many gifts in my recovery and the truth of my experience is that I have only had to put forth very little willingness and effort to enjoy a great return. The rubber has met the road and I can no longer ignore that the life I want to live, the one I am capable of and have the potential to create is calling me. It requires that I do things I have little experience with and become willing to be uncomfortable in my growing pains. Thank goodness I know the process works, that I have a process and I am willing to do the work.

Time to Move My Feet

"Empowerment refers to increasing the spiritual, political, social, or economic strength of individuals and communities. It often involves the empowered developing confidence in their own capacities."

I am developing confidence in my own capacities. Shift. Dancing on the Skinny Branches. What are my End Results? It is that easy, uncomfortable does not mean impossible. Freedom and discipline do compliment each other. It is possible that I am powerful enough to change my reality, it is possible that diminishing myself has created assets in my experience. All things are possible to those who believe it is so.

What if you are powerful enough that simply by seeing your life from a different perspective you could change the way others see you, and themselves and literally change the nature of situations, of life. What if it is possible? What stories do you have to let go of, to claim your place in the circle? What if there are no excuses worth discussing...

I experience you as.. love, gratitude, hope, light, inspiration, trust, loyalty, strength, courage, beauty, generosity, inclusive, kindness, truth, dependable, success, acceptance, understanding, peace, tolerance, surrender, willingness, committed, supportive, flexible, directed, intuitive, abundance, laughter, smiles, warm, capable.. you show up to me as life imbued with every gift imaginable and some still undiscovered!

A Black Dress

"One measure-and perhaps the best measure-of a person's greatness is the capacity for suffering. Yet the great are also joyful. This, then, is the paradox." Road Less Traveled pg76

Today we took our last walk with our family dog Stranger. The suffering he was enduring far exceeded what he could handle, his pain consumed him, he would fall over when standing and couldn't get up on his own anymore. With his teeth he had torn away the fur and skin on his hind legs leaving exposed muscle that made you wince. The joys had almost all but gone for him and his life, it would have been only our own dread of suffering in his absence that would have kept him here. So it was time to let him go and begin to collect our joyful memories brought into our lives by him.

Growing up my family did not have dogs, it never even seemed as though we were missing anything by not having a dog. Our world changed over 16 years ago. I had what was a pretty typical "battle of the wills" with my parents. We went toe to toe and what we did not know and would not know until 16 years later... that day we all won.

I had been at boarding school in Sedona Arizona and was graduating (by the skin of my teeth). My parents and Aunt came for my graduation. Upon their arrival to take me back across state line (lol, i was their outlaw for sure), i had with me a tiny new companion, his name, Stranger. In the litter he was the one pup who stuck to himself and did his own thing.. the common inquiry of the little guy was "what's up little Stranger" and it became his name. He and I had an arrangement it was that whenever I ate anything (especially Popsicles ) it was understood that i would share, and share more than i wanted! Thus began our love affair, he would sit in between the small of my back and the sofa when I would visit the house where he lived. In May of '94 there I stood before my parents having just barely graduated by my hard work at skillful manipulation of rules, systems and loop holes. My long blond hair completely matted in dread locks, under arm hairs sticking out beneath my shirt, with an aversion to deodorant and regular baths, long leg hairs AND with my ongoing demands.. "I won't leave here without him" i said as I held the furry critter beneath my arm.

There was a stand off, imagine that, my dad and i disagreeing?! His answer was stern and no, my mom was in agreement with my father. Their argument went something like "you aren't mature enough to take care of a dog" and my reply was "whatever" (validating their point exactly). The differing viewpoints ended with Stranger and I catching a ride to New Mexico with a friend Nick. Somewhere in a hotel parking lot a treaty was made with my parents 1.stranger was not allowed in the hotel room 2. had to sleep in his carrier in the car.... he slept in his carrier safely tucked on to one side of the hotel room that night. Thus began the journey of the rules being stated by my father and this little dog breaking them, definitely my child.

I had Stranger for only a year to myself.. we set out on a grand adventure after boarding school. He had the benefit of me in my hippie stage because i allowed him to be a dog.. a free spirited, run around in the woods, eat meat and rice and left overs diet, never on a leash little dog! He was a little person really, the more I accepted his dogness the easier it was for him to be almost human.. funny how that worked. His freedom was something he enjoyed so much that he never transitioned out of the late night wandering, and no matter where my parents lived, he always and i mean always managed to escape at just the last minute so he could go do his thing :) He loved being outside, and you might think that is typical but most dogs want to be where the owner or people are, right under foot.. but not him, he was tickled to just be outside, taking it all in.

Yesterday that little wag stopped, his eyes and little body went still and he was gone. He won't be there as my mom and grandmas constant companion with his senile barking in the middle of the night. His pain is gone and ours remains for the absence of this little body of love and joy that filled our home for over 16 years! His last memory of this place was with my Mom, Dad and I... and he finally got to eat a fucking chocolate bar! After 16 years of wanting chocolate, he ate it as his last meal, and he gobbled it up, I believe it was exactly what he thought it would taste like. I sat on the floor yesterday beside my sweet mom as she held his little face to hers and gently laid it down as he died. I sat with my mother and father and we cried for this little guy, this little being they couldn't fathom having in their lives, who ended up touching their hearts in ways they never imagined. They lost his sweet presence from their bedside, their kitchen, beside them watching a movie, they won't here his bark at the front door at midnight after a romp by himself wanting to be let back in, the adventures and stories have ended and they will search back through time to collect every memory that holds a piece of their heart because of him. For me it's that we never spoke a word to each other in over 16 years and yet i knew him, i knew when he barked if it was because he was hungry, or wanted out, if he needed more water, or just wanted a treat, if he was being demanding because he could or if it was because he might have heard something and did i?, we shared a million cigarettes it seems and i have never watched the stars more with anyone else... It's funny how life can change us even when we don't know it's happening, how precious it all is and how quickly it is lived, how sometimes losing a battle truly allows you to win a war, and that in the end love can be as simple as a chocolate bar shared among loved ones.

Sliding Away.. and Back

"It is not impractical to seriously consider changing the rules of the game when the game is clearly killing you" ~ The Different Drum pg18

I woke this morning and read an email a friend had sent to me the previous night. An inspirational and telling piece inspired by his own life, loosely tied to a conversation we had begun several days ago at lunch. I was moved by his writing. After waking more fully (from a self induced emotional hang over), I began to write of the "new", old revelation I have come to many times in this life, which became an extension of the conversation we had begun.

What I didn't share the other day is that although i know the disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, no one mentioned (or did they?) it rests in the core of my being attaching itself to my brain like a spiderweb. A web of selfish, destructive ideas all capturing each moment with distorted bits of logic, whose sole purpose is to "be in control". Mostly busying itself with "this equals this" kind of thinking (oh the conclusions and deductions it makes). That being said, it does not permiate all areas of my life anymore. My life had an overhaul working outward in on an intimacy scale. It began by me being able to interact with the world at large and acquaintances with love and tolerance as my code, pretty consistently. The further removed I am from a situation or person the more empathetic I can be making the children in other countries my bleeding heart. It is easy to believe I am an instrument of god's LOVE in those cases. The "problem" is that the closer to me you get, or I get to you the more resistant i am to believing that love and tolerance is still the code and rarely does "how can i be helpful" come to mind.

It appears time and time again (my disease rears its ugly head) I fail to recall god is running the show including the details of my more personal and intimate relationships in life. Ahh the relationship.. the lover. For some reason (unimportant at this juncture) I have decided that this area of my life, this personal detail is one that will require my attention and knowledge over the implimentation of simple principles and gods direction. Evidentially, the spiderweb needs to feel in charge! In this delusion there is the idea that I need to look for signs of what isn't working about the other person to "protect" myself from some perceived, potential evil (Delusion remember). In this brain exists elaborate stories, ideas, old, new, and tons that aren't even mine *whose genesis is unknown. (* reference a monkey story i was told, remind me to write about it). To be included in these endless corrosive fears are the following.. "I will be left alone in pain to die", "i'll be stuck with someone not good enough to measure up, until I die", "I will be in love with an abusive, unloving, selfish man and not be able to see it" or "I will cuddle a turd and believe it's a diamond while skipping around with shit on my face for the world to see and make fun". The fear, the lie is that if I trust God and try to understand rather than be understood with my lover.. I will not be Okay.. mind you it's just my ego talking, and that is the joke in all this! The fear and self centeredness so corrosive it completely clouds my ability to remember all i need to do is focus on god, and pick up the tools.

The fear so great and the material so deep, its easy to see how I would travel it alone.. believing I had every tool I needed to handle slaying any dragon, and until the pain becomes greater than the fear, I am unwilling to let go. I have been so convinced that my identity and self worth rest upon the actions and love of said person that I don't even know this is what's going on. Gods grace usually steps in at what seems a minute to late and allows me to experience a pain, a desperation so great I can finally surrender. Once again pain is the healer of pain, for it leads me back to my source. In that moment, in the calm and peace there is no fight left in me. The obsession is removed I can hear serenity because there are no arguments, ideas or rebuttals in my head. In it's place resides a stillness coupled with humility, peace and ease. I am not broken, the world did not end at that moment of perceived loss, and i trust god. I am now able to see and apply these principles to those i am closest, and trust my higher power is not playing a joke on me. I can accept that the process works every time, even in the presence of sadness, being uncomfortable, or feeling fear. God has never dropped me and I do not believe that "Mr right" is one of the men of my past and I fucked up love so bad that I ruined what was meant to be.. I am just NOT that powerful.

I reached a point of desperation in my life (over 5 years ago) where I offered to a God of my understanding my life. I asked that I may be happy, joyous and free with a "thy will not mine be done" added to summation. No where in my prayers did i ask that I may look good to the world around me, to be seen as dazzling, with a perfect partner and a perfect life. That was the life I wanted and had been going towards that almost killed me, bringing me to my knee I have learned that I would rather be loved by a man I see as amazing than liked by a world who doesn't know me, who have not held my head while I cried. I simply had to remember in all this that I have been given a process that works if i will use it... wash, rinse, repeat. These days I look to relinquish this old idea that I ever had any power effective enough to create any change,joy or happiness in my life.. except in my power to surrender.