The greatest relationship I will have is the one with myself and my Higher Power. The only one that I may hold on to with a tight grip... the unseen, the ever changing.. the one that requires I live life open hearted, open minded and open handed. It has taken so much to get to this place of a real beginning where I begin to distinguish the true from the false. This relationship was the last I consciously fostered and has in a short time yielded fruits of freedom, serenity, trust, peace, happiness and gratitude beyond any I dreamed. It is a real challenge when there is a person standing beside me to reach for the hand of God, instead of theirs, for sure!
The other day I experienced fear in the way that I was upside down in a haze of white noise, heart beating faster, breathing different (all so subtle that a year ago I would not have even felt that it was occurring). While in this place, I shared with my friend sitting across from me the ideas, stories and fears I could hear floating around in my head. He listened and quietly asked me one question and in the one sentence I could see the life line of truth he had thrown me. I was able to see that I was in the midst of fear, I could hear the truth and see the horizon, I held on tight to the truth, it felt near impossible not to hold on to the friend, or the feelings that overwhelmed me but instead to the truth that all of it was okay, it just felt crazy! I was tempted to "fix" the situation, the misunderstanding created, the feelings of fear but in the end pausing when agitated or doubtful, recoiling from the moment even though it was not my first instinct but a request, and praying once again proved the best choice and closest path to solution.
I am discovering what it is to allow a misunderstanding to exist. To allow myself and others the freedom of misunderstandings, wrong ideas and fears and our own path back to our higher power. Until very recently I failed to use these tools . It had not been my experience to allow myself to be misunderstood by someone, to allow them to think what they needed to believe and trust that God is still alive and well in the moment. The part in the St. Francis prayer "to understand than be understood" was so key for me. In the moment I attempt to be understood I am pushing my Higher Power aside, declaring that it is my show to run and that I can make the results what I want them to be, instead of what the results are. The fear and delusion that something will be lost if I don't "manage well" motivated me to often take matters in to my own hands. I would push someone into hearing me or understanding me the way I wanted to be understood as if that manipulation would yield desirable results. The concept that IN EVERY SINGLE MOMENT my dedication is to be a channel of Gods peace, seems contrary to the rules of engagement that societally and collectively we have created by our egos and fears... Interesting.
In the past several months I had taken myself on in a new way. Ready and willing to bring about awareness of fantasies, ideas, behaviors, habits and things in the way I had been living for the purpose of letting it go. In the process my simple willingness allowed quite a bit to be removed. My higher power had given me the hand of a friend to hold while going through these last few months, it gave me comfort and support to step out onto the skinny branches that i had contemplated reaching towards for some time. This friend was the voice of truth and reason, allowing me to experience the true from the false not just as information, ideas or knowledge but part of a tangible experience that held depth and weight. Once my feet were firmly planted on top of this skinny branch of new possibility.. the friend departed for a period of time. It was sad for me and yet aware I had made it to a new closeness in my relationship with me and my higher power.
While it can feel more comfortable to be standing in this new space, sharing it with a great, soulful, friend the experience was mine to share with God. While there is no desire to go back to where I had been and truthfully impossible to attempt (the cost would be my sanity and recovery), it's always in the gap that the desire to grab something, anything to make it feel familiar can be pervasive. Letting go of what has gone so that we can be in the moment of now and what is born in this space is incredibly uncomfortable when the human experience has largely consisted of holding on to the physical manifestation of Gods love. The grace my higher power offers me is astounding for this time I am being allowed to just stand on this here branch, breath in and out, metabolize and adjust to a new beginning. Like a trembling child there is no need to force oneself to being comfortable, each to his own process and journey. While some times running off the cliff, jumping and falling into the water below is the answer, other days it is curling up with a book and taking a nap, working with others, running errands or doing the laundry.
This is not a race to spiritual perfection it is the progress experienced. I will always want to grow, change and experience the next thing and sometimes that is just being. John Todd one of my first mentors used to say "Katie we are human beings, not human doings.. you can love yourself as you are right now." In my growing relationship with myself, Principles I believe spiritual in nature, a God of my understanding I am experiencing what it is to live and love unconditionally.. a novice but scratching the surface of something enormous and beautiful.
